Oh, we are free! Free from the burdens! The restrains, the time-consuming, bloody 42 hours I wasted.
Yes, people, I'm talking about Msian/Moral Studies. The biweekly classes I had to sit for for the past 4 months. And though it may be fun (as in, we poke fun at the teachers) it was, overall, a bloody waste of time. Okay, so I learned something (like how Moral is actually Beginner's Guide to Philosophy) so it wasn't a total waste of time. Just a bloody waste of time.
Exams were yesterday (Friday 23th) and we - Jian Haw, Fiona, Yvonne and I - holed up in the lib not to study Moral, but to discuss what essays we were going to write and what values to use for those essays. Yep, Fi and Yvonne's class teacher (2 teachs: Ms Sue who set the papers - Fi's teach- and Ms Geetha - mine and Jian's) had already given out format. As in what's going to come out for the final exam, including the topics for the MCQs. Confused? It sorta ran like this:
Q1: Morality
Q10: Kant
Q20- Buddhism
Yeah, she seriously gave them out and they're the exact ones she's been giving out for years. Can I hear you say, 'LOL'?
So we sat for Moral and Msian, bloody tiring I tell you. I think I sorta lost my appetite due to the stress.
Oh, and I WON!!! Books!
My sis texted me during studying to tell me I got a parcel from Scholastic. And so I went 'Hmm, who's sending me stuff?' Sis had a feeling it was a book. Went home, opened it and found.....
....Book 1 and 2 of the Hunger Games!!! Roar!! Book 2 was in hardcover, and Book 1 had a small, 3D thing - the one that flips faces when you tilt it? - of the mockingjay pin Katniss received, the same logo on the front cover of Book 1. Readers of Hunger Games would know what I'm talking about.
And then I'm like, 'Whoa, when did I sign up for this competition?'
Seriously, I totally forgot! Then sis conveniently remembered that she'd seen me signing up for this a while back. (P.S. Also signed up for the 26 leather bound classics from Popular so, fingers crossed!)
So proud wei! Winning books. Printed in USA some more tau!
Hehe.
Saturday, 24 April 2010
Thursday, 15 April 2010
Do Whatever You Want, But Be Sure That You Can Face The Consequences of Your Actions.
Crazy. Hectic. Chaotic.
Thesaurus.
No, you read correctly. Thesaurus. That's what Jian Haw is taking to call me everytime I lecture him for misusing a word. I'll be correcting him about something and he'll go, 'Yalah, yalah, thesaurus! I also have one in my phone!' And then he whips out his phone and opens up the thesaurus app., just to one-up me.
We've been having a multitude of examinations lately. Mock tests and mock-mock tests. But I'm sure you know that already. We are stressed to the point that all we do in our free period now is conquer the library to study. Seriously, that is all we ever do. I bet even the librarians there know us by face now.
And if that wasn't bad enough, we'd just finished our mock/mock-mock chem test yesterday. It was supposed to be 50 MCQs and no structural. So everyone was a bit relieved at the prospect. Then Ms Kana came in, placed her bag down and started handing out questions papers. You know, those in the past year questions format, where they had Jan 2008 or something on them? Yep, so it looked pretty official and everything, and Alex, I think, opened the first few pages.
Kana noticed and shrugged. 'Go ahead and check it out. I don't mind. You can see what you're going to do.'
Then someone shrieked. 'OMG!! Got structural!!'
And the whole class promptly went into an uproar.
'Teacher, you said 50 MCQ only! Why got structural?'
'Why so not fair one!!!'
'Omg, I signed my name already!' Yep, you need to write your surname, initial and sign it at the top column.
And on it went till Kana, grinning like mad, said. 'I never said this was your test.' Stunned class. 'You simply jumped to conclusions. You never gave me the chance to talk. Nice, isn't it, to have your blood pressure go up and come back down again?' Nice? I felt like wringing her neck.
'This is your homework. Do the objective only. And now this is the real test.'
We came close to having a bloody myocardial infarction (read: heart attack). Seriously, I bet the papers would be astounded if that actually happened. "Whole Class Simultaneously Had Heart Attacks. Chem Teacher to Blame."
Msian studies and moral studies final exams is on next Friday, one after the other. Can die, I tell you! Got Msian studies assignment as well. 10 page essay and group presentation. And I'm barely surviving on sleep. I've been cutting down from 8 to six hours a night. And I wake at 6 every morning, regardless. You do the math.
I'm going to bed.
Thesaurus.
No, you read correctly. Thesaurus. That's what Jian Haw is taking to call me everytime I lecture him for misusing a word. I'll be correcting him about something and he'll go, 'Yalah, yalah, thesaurus! I also have one in my phone!' And then he whips out his phone and opens up the thesaurus app., just to one-up me.
We've been having a multitude of examinations lately. Mock tests and mock-mock tests. But I'm sure you know that already. We are stressed to the point that all we do in our free period now is conquer the library to study. Seriously, that is all we ever do. I bet even the librarians there know us by face now.
And if that wasn't bad enough, we'd just finished our mock/mock-mock chem test yesterday. It was supposed to be 50 MCQs and no structural. So everyone was a bit relieved at the prospect. Then Ms Kana came in, placed her bag down and started handing out questions papers. You know, those in the past year questions format, where they had Jan 2008 or something on them? Yep, so it looked pretty official and everything, and Alex, I think, opened the first few pages.
Kana noticed and shrugged. 'Go ahead and check it out. I don't mind. You can see what you're going to do.'
Then someone shrieked. 'OMG!! Got structural!!'
And the whole class promptly went into an uproar.
'Teacher, you said 50 MCQ only! Why got structural?'
'Why so not fair one!!!'
'Omg, I signed my name already!' Yep, you need to write your surname, initial and sign it at the top column.
And on it went till Kana, grinning like mad, said. 'I never said this was your test.' Stunned class. 'You simply jumped to conclusions. You never gave me the chance to talk. Nice, isn't it, to have your blood pressure go up and come back down again?' Nice? I felt like wringing her neck.
'This is your homework. Do the objective only. And now this is the real test.'
We came close to having a bloody myocardial infarction (read: heart attack). Seriously, I bet the papers would be astounded if that actually happened. "Whole Class Simultaneously Had Heart Attacks. Chem Teacher to Blame."
Msian studies and moral studies final exams is on next Friday, one after the other. Can die, I tell you! Got Msian studies assignment as well. 10 page essay and group presentation. And I'm barely surviving on sleep. I've been cutting down from 8 to six hours a night. And I wake at 6 every morning, regardless. You do the math.
I'm going to bed.
Sunday, 4 April 2010
The Worst Kind of Influences Are The Ones That Pretend To Be "For Your Own Good."
I absolutely loath Gaius in Merlin.
Oh, he's a fine character and all that, and Richard Wilson portrays him beautifully. I just dislike the way the scriptwriters wrote Gaius out to be all kind and wise when he's actually not.
Shall I give some examples?
In the seventh episode of the first season, The Gates of Avalon, Morgana sees Arthur in her dreams. She sees him drowning underwater and there's a young woman standing over him, watching him die. The very next day, Arthur brings back a woman and her father, whom he'd saved from bandits, and Morgana understands that Lady Sophia Tiamor and Aulfric, her father, are the ones behing Arthur's demise.
So of course, she confides in the only person she'd thought who help: Gaius.
And Gaius, little bugger he is, acts all righteous and keeps on giving Morgana sleeping draughts - then's version of sleeping pills - to help her sleep well and reduce her nightmares. Guess what, Gaius? They don't work! And he knows it, because all the time he's suspected that she's got magic and is a Seer. But no, he won't say anything.
Then Merlin finds out about this but is forbidden from ever letting Morgana know she's a Seer. In The Nightmare Begins (Season 2 Episode 3) tries to help Morgana, who accidentally (using her powers) started a fire in her room. Morgana confides in Gaius, again (dear girl, when will you learn? He's trying to allay you!) and he patronizes her, the bloody physician! He calls her "my child" and she screams at him, 'I'm not a child!' You go, Morgana.
And here is when Merlin shines for a moment but fades back under the wing of Gaius. Here is where Merlin wants Gaius to "talk to her. Tell her she'll be ok. Tell her that her powers aren't something to be afraid of." And when Merlin wants to talk to Morgana after Gaius refuses to, he's being forbidden by his uncle.
Merlin: You need to be honest with her.
Gaius: What makes you so certain that you know better than me?
Merlin: Because I went through exactly the same thing! I know what she's feeling right now!
Gaius: You cannot get involved in this! No good can come of it. I mean it, Merlin. Stay out of it.
Which begs the question, why doesn't Gaius wants Morgana to know about her powers? She's already helped Mordred the Druid boy, she can keep a secret, especially one so close to her. Why doesn't anyone tell her?
And this, ladies and gentlemen, is the reason Morgana actively and behind Uther's back, seeks out her own kind. Like anyone of us, she wants to feel accepted, to belong, to be part of something.
Morgana: I'm sorry. I'm never going back. These are my people. They're like me. (pause) I don't feel so alone here. Do you understand?
Merlin: Better than anyone.
But why won't you tell her, Merlin?
It was absolutely heartbreaking, the part where she says, 'I don't feel so alone here.' One of the reasons why I can really relate to Morgana. I'm still trying to find a place where I don't feel so alone.
But the thing that irked me the most is when people ask why did Morgana become evil. FYI, people, if you've been keeping up with the show, Morgana didn't become evil, regardless of what Gaius said. In The Beginning of the End, all she did was help a Driud boy escape. Uther was persecuting a boy. A boy. Wouldn't you do the same?
In The Nightmare Begins, she seeks out the Druids because they're the only ones who can tell her why she's having all these dreams that can tell the future. In the Sins of the Father, she feels a connection with Morgause, who turns out to be her half-sister. In The Witch's Quickening, she was blinded by Alvarr's charm that she helped him escape. In the Fires of Idirsholas, it was Morgause who spirited Morgana away, and not Morgana herself who left, even though I don't quite approve with the fact she left to see Morgause (but hey, she feels a connection there. Can't blame the girl, can we?)
The thing is, I see it this way: Morgana has powers, things she can't explain, things she doesn't know why. And she's trying to find someone to help her, to explain things to her. Basically just to let her know she's not alone. And Merlin's been given so many opportunities to help, but he doesn't. Because he's influenced by Gaius not to. And when she can't find help from the people around her, she goes to the people she's brought up to believe are evil. Why?
Because they have magic. Surely they can help. And indeed, each and every single one of them (even the ones that use her) tell her that magic is not something to be afraid of. It's a gift. They gave her hope, and they're supposed to be the bad guys. While her so-called friends are filling her head with lies, making her doubt herself. Which is why we see her go from a strong, powerful warrior in Season 1 to a teary, wreck of a lady with very few scenes in each episode in Season 2.
It must be killing her, for the people she trusts so much to betray her (Merlin tried to kill her) and for the people she's been brought up to hate to extend help and courtesy to her. Especially Mordred. I love Mordred. You can see that he geniunely likes Morgana.
I simply hate the fact that the "good" side do nothing to get Morgana through this difficult period of her life and then claim that she's gone over to the dark side when she seeks the people who can help. She's not evil, she's dark, and a little bit misunderstood.
Also, another pet peeve with Morgause. She seemed to truly love Morgana as her sister, but I'm asking, if she loves her sister, why did she use her, manipulate her to be the vessel for the sleeping curse in the Fires of Idirsholas? It stands to reason, then, that she hates Uther more than she cares for her sister. Nice. Both she and Uther finally had something in common, albeit in reverse: He hates magic more than he cares for Morgana too. It's a sign that she's losing herself to her hatred. Morgause is going mad. She will, I'm betting on it.
This whole thing about Gaius being the "good" guy is really wiring me up. I've got a good mind to start a fanfiction where it is revealed that Gaius is actually the one behind everything. I really do.
Maybe after my exams this week, yeah?
Watch out Gaius. I'm coming for you.
Oh, he's a fine character and all that, and Richard Wilson portrays him beautifully. I just dislike the way the scriptwriters wrote Gaius out to be all kind and wise when he's actually not.
Shall I give some examples?
In the seventh episode of the first season, The Gates of Avalon, Morgana sees Arthur in her dreams. She sees him drowning underwater and there's a young woman standing over him, watching him die. The very next day, Arthur brings back a woman and her father, whom he'd saved from bandits, and Morgana understands that Lady Sophia Tiamor and Aulfric, her father, are the ones behing Arthur's demise.
So of course, she confides in the only person she'd thought who help: Gaius.
And Gaius, little bugger he is, acts all righteous and keeps on giving Morgana sleeping draughts - then's version of sleeping pills - to help her sleep well and reduce her nightmares. Guess what, Gaius? They don't work! And he knows it, because all the time he's suspected that she's got magic and is a Seer. But no, he won't say anything.
Then Merlin finds out about this but is forbidden from ever letting Morgana know she's a Seer. In The Nightmare Begins (Season 2 Episode 3) tries to help Morgana, who accidentally (using her powers) started a fire in her room. Morgana confides in Gaius, again (dear girl, when will you learn? He's trying to allay you!) and he patronizes her, the bloody physician! He calls her "my child" and she screams at him, 'I'm not a child!' You go, Morgana.
And here is when Merlin shines for a moment but fades back under the wing of Gaius. Here is where Merlin wants Gaius to "talk to her. Tell her she'll be ok. Tell her that her powers aren't something to be afraid of." And when Merlin wants to talk to Morgana after Gaius refuses to, he's being forbidden by his uncle.
Merlin: You need to be honest with her.
Gaius: What makes you so certain that you know better than me?
Merlin: Because I went through exactly the same thing! I know what she's feeling right now!
Gaius: You cannot get involved in this! No good can come of it. I mean it, Merlin. Stay out of it.
Which begs the question, why doesn't Gaius wants Morgana to know about her powers? She's already helped Mordred the Druid boy, she can keep a secret, especially one so close to her. Why doesn't anyone tell her?
And this, ladies and gentlemen, is the reason Morgana actively and behind Uther's back, seeks out her own kind. Like anyone of us, she wants to feel accepted, to belong, to be part of something.
Morgana: I'm sorry. I'm never going back. These are my people. They're like me. (pause) I don't feel so alone here. Do you understand?
Merlin: Better than anyone.
But why won't you tell her, Merlin?
It was absolutely heartbreaking, the part where she says, 'I don't feel so alone here.' One of the reasons why I can really relate to Morgana. I'm still trying to find a place where I don't feel so alone.
But the thing that irked me the most is when people ask why did Morgana become evil. FYI, people, if you've been keeping up with the show, Morgana didn't become evil, regardless of what Gaius said. In The Beginning of the End, all she did was help a Driud boy escape. Uther was persecuting a boy. A boy. Wouldn't you do the same?
In The Nightmare Begins, she seeks out the Druids because they're the only ones who can tell her why she's having all these dreams that can tell the future. In the Sins of the Father, she feels a connection with Morgause, who turns out to be her half-sister. In The Witch's Quickening, she was blinded by Alvarr's charm that she helped him escape. In the Fires of Idirsholas, it was Morgause who spirited Morgana away, and not Morgana herself who left, even though I don't quite approve with the fact she left to see Morgause (but hey, she feels a connection there. Can't blame the girl, can we?)
The thing is, I see it this way: Morgana has powers, things she can't explain, things she doesn't know why. And she's trying to find someone to help her, to explain things to her. Basically just to let her know she's not alone. And Merlin's been given so many opportunities to help, but he doesn't. Because he's influenced by Gaius not to. And when she can't find help from the people around her, she goes to the people she's brought up to believe are evil. Why?
Because they have magic. Surely they can help. And indeed, each and every single one of them (even the ones that use her) tell her that magic is not something to be afraid of. It's a gift. They gave her hope, and they're supposed to be the bad guys. While her so-called friends are filling her head with lies, making her doubt herself. Which is why we see her go from a strong, powerful warrior in Season 1 to a teary, wreck of a lady with very few scenes in each episode in Season 2.
It must be killing her, for the people she trusts so much to betray her (Merlin tried to kill her) and for the people she's been brought up to hate to extend help and courtesy to her. Especially Mordred. I love Mordred. You can see that he geniunely likes Morgana.
I simply hate the fact that the "good" side do nothing to get Morgana through this difficult period of her life and then claim that she's gone over to the dark side when she seeks the people who can help. She's not evil, she's dark, and a little bit misunderstood.
Also, another pet peeve with Morgause. She seemed to truly love Morgana as her sister, but I'm asking, if she loves her sister, why did she use her, manipulate her to be the vessel for the sleeping curse in the Fires of Idirsholas? It stands to reason, then, that she hates Uther more than she cares for her sister. Nice. Both she and Uther finally had something in common, albeit in reverse: He hates magic more than he cares for Morgana too. It's a sign that she's losing herself to her hatred. Morgause is going mad. She will, I'm betting on it.
This whole thing about Gaius being the "good" guy is really wiring me up. I've got a good mind to start a fanfiction where it is revealed that Gaius is actually the one behind everything. I really do.
Maybe after my exams this week, yeah?
Watch out Gaius. I'm coming for you.
Friday, 2 April 2010
I'm Not Going To Pursue This, Not Because I Can't, But Because I Won't.
Let's just face it. We're not good for each other. There may be something between us, and maybe if I don't act now it'll be lost, but it's nothing I can't live without.
My eyes close, my soul quietens.
All I long for, I have yet to reach.
This thing we have
It is full of twists and turns
That I cannot begin to decipher
I believed that there could be something more
But deep judgment pulled me back from going further
It's frustratingly complex yet simple
One step forward, two steps back
I try to look at it differently
How it would seem like to the world
Yet I still see confusion and chaos
Are we for real, or is this just a game we play?
If it is a game, why do I feel such tenderness?
If it's for real, why do I feel such hesitance?
Sorrow tears through me
Yet it is a sorrow I have encountered before
A familiar friend, yet its presence is slightly less than reassuring
It reminds me of things yet to come
Knowledge yet to be found
Loves yet to be known
But somehow, I doubt you'd be one of them
Your world and mine collide
But would you leave it all behind for me?
I don't think I can
I don't really think I can
We come from different origins
And though attraction beckons
I must, have to, need to
Have one foot on reality
We simply cannot exist
Not together
I deny myself this part of you
I deny myself everything I've known about you
Let's forget these moments we've shared
I deny myself everything
My eyes close, my soul quietens.
All I long for, I have yet to reach.
This thing we have
It is full of twists and turns
That I cannot begin to decipher
I believed that there could be something more
But deep judgment pulled me back from going further
It's frustratingly complex yet simple
One step forward, two steps back
I try to look at it differently
How it would seem like to the world
Yet I still see confusion and chaos
Are we for real, or is this just a game we play?
If it is a game, why do I feel such tenderness?
If it's for real, why do I feel such hesitance?
Sorrow tears through me
Yet it is a sorrow I have encountered before
A familiar friend, yet its presence is slightly less than reassuring
It reminds me of things yet to come
Knowledge yet to be found
Loves yet to be known
But somehow, I doubt you'd be one of them
Your world and mine collide
But would you leave it all behind for me?
I don't think I can
I don't really think I can
We come from different origins
And though attraction beckons
I must, have to, need to
Have one foot on reality
We simply cannot exist
Not together
I deny myself this part of you
I deny myself everything I've known about you
Let's forget these moments we've shared
I deny myself everything
Wednesday, 31 March 2010
At Times Like This, I Just Want To Sleep And Never Wake Up
I'm being a bit morbid lately.
OK, maybe I'm always morbid, but never like this. I might have wanted to murder someone, but that person is never myself. It's strange and scary that my thoughts are becoming darker by the minute.
We were in Chem class today when Fi mentioned it was Yein's birthday. So of course, what followed after was the honorary birthday song. Kana even chimed in since she entered as we were about to begin class. Fi suggested that the whole class go out for lunch together to celebrate Yein's big day. They started making suggestions like going back to the main block, at which point I'd privately decided not to show up. Why not? I hear you ask. Well I have things to do, mainly study for my maths mock mock tomorrow. Yep, Mock mock. It's a pre-mock up mock, so we call it the Maths Mock Mock.
So right after class I started heading for the door when Ee Lyn stopped me. 'Hey, aren't you going for Yein's birthday lunch?'
I raised an eyebrow and asked. 'Have they decided where to go yet?'
'Uh, I don't think so.'
Then I gave her one of my there-you-have-it looks. 'Exactly.' (Actually, I think I said "That's Why" but 'Exactly' sounds more posh)
So I dashed off to the cafeteria at E&C (strangely enough, me and my pals shortened it to cafe) got some food and had to wait about five minutes before I ate because I had to reply some people who texted me during chem class. Sorry guys, was too busy asking teach some chem-related questions during the last few minutes of the toilet break. And it was getting infuriating because just as I finished replying one text and have just replaced my phone in my pocket, the next fella sends back another text! Bugger you people!
After lunch I went up to the lib. Saw Jian and Pav there with some other people but I didn't wanna join them. Then I saw Lou's stuff on an empty table and sat down just as she walked out of the loo. Lou walked out of the loo. Geddit? Gosh, I sound like Melinda! No offense Mel! :)
Lou wanted to get some lunch so I settled with going through my chem work and my maths. Unfortunately I got sidetracked by a Personality Psychology Text which I borrowed (and which I got hooked on after seeing the Personality Disorders chapter - I borrowed it based on that alone). Ronnie and Nen Lin were at the next table, and after that they were joined by their pals. Then Jian left his table and came over, and since Lou wasn't back yet and Jian was a quiet studier, I invited him to sit with me.
Ee Lyn and Cat came up after that, quickly followed by the rest of the class. Seems that the whole Group B decided to study in the lib today, but most of them dispersed after seeing how crowded it was. Then Mark came and joined Ronnie's table, but since he didn't have a chair, he turned around to see us. The only chair available was Lou's (since Ee Lyn occupied the chair opposite Jian, who was beside me. I wondered briefly how long did it take to eat lunch - she'd been gone for an hour, gosh!) and as Mark turned to take it, I stepped in. Hey, it had Lou's bag on it, and besides, she could be back any minute. So I told Mark, 'That's my friend's chair. She's sitting there.' In a very nice, polite way, no threats or screams, even.
Mark nodded understandingly and smiled. I thought he got it, that I was looking after it for a pal, but then he turned back and said, 'OK. You know, you scare me a lot lah.'
And left me with a wth? look on my face. Just in time to hear Ee Lyn say, 'Yep, she does that to a lot of people.'
Mark's intimidated by me? And I have been nothing but nice to him!
Then Lou came back and she and Ee Lyn got into this whole convo about how I needed to chill and relax a bit (from Ee Lyn) and how she (Lou) tried for the past ten years to change me but failed. So I ended up having to justify everything I did while Jian, the little bugger, just sat there laughing. In the end I got fed up with having to justify my actions (and I said so) when what Ee Lyn said struck me.
'It's not always about you.'
Okay, I got that. Then she continued. 'Like today. Why won't you stay back to mix with Yein and all of them and just go for a class lunch?'
So I took a deep breath. 'We have nothing to talk about.'
'So? It's not always about you. True, you won't have things to talk about all the time, but you could still sit there and listen to what they have to say. Like me. I didn't know what they were talking about but I just sat there and listened.'
The little girl inside me tried to digest this bit of advice. Jian meanwhile poked a jibe at Ee Lyn saying that was because she was playing with her phone, to which Lyn replied she wasn't using her phone then.
'But...' Lyn looked at me. I tried to convey what I felt. 'Alright. It's like this. You sat there because you were having fun right? You're one of them. It's like you belong there. But for me, I have no idea what they're talking about. I'm not having fun. That's why I leave. Like that time I went to a party? I wasn't having fun so I left early.'
Ee Lyn regarded me critically. 'But you don't need to leave early. Just sit and listen to their convo, mix around. Relax. I don't even listen to what they're saying either but I still hang around.'
I didn't have an answer to that then. But after thinking deeply, I got it. Lyn, you chose not to listen. I tried that, but I wasn't having fun. Besides, I have things to do. I don't want to abandon what plans I have to waste my time not having fun.
A bit of silence after that. Was surprised when I saw the clock was showing one forty five. My class starts at two. So my time OCD kicked in, and I frantically shoved my stuff into my bag. 'I'm gonna be late, I'm gonna be late.' Honestly, I don't know why I torture myself like this. Ee Lyn glanced calmly at the clock. 'We've got fifteen minutes. Chill.' But I dragged myself up, checked out the psych book and dashed down the stairs. Was waiting for the class to empty as Jian came up to me and said, 'Whoa, you're really early.'
But I was still pensive about the whole library incident. 'It's not always about you.' 'I'm intimidated by you.' I don't get the second bit. Why does Mark feel intimidated when I've done nothing? Self diagnosing of personality disorders in the psych book (Antisocial disorder, narcissistic disorder) don't help me much. I don't get why I somehow have symptoms from practically every personality disorder except histrionic personality disorder.
It was later that I came to the conclusion: I read things, and I apply them in my life. It's like I can't help but integrate every single bit of knowledge I pick up into my daily life. And it's scaring me. Because ever since I read up about manic depression (read: bipolar), I've been having weird dreams. Yes of course, I'm a sadistic person, but this time I'm having weird ideas about sleeping forever. Homicidal tendencies are usual with me (hehe, I'm mean and wicked) but suicide is something I'd never touched.
What have I done?
OK, maybe I'm always morbid, but never like this. I might have wanted to murder someone, but that person is never myself. It's strange and scary that my thoughts are becoming darker by the minute.
We were in Chem class today when Fi mentioned it was Yein's birthday. So of course, what followed after was the honorary birthday song. Kana even chimed in since she entered as we were about to begin class. Fi suggested that the whole class go out for lunch together to celebrate Yein's big day. They started making suggestions like going back to the main block, at which point I'd privately decided not to show up. Why not? I hear you ask. Well I have things to do, mainly study for my maths mock mock tomorrow. Yep, Mock mock. It's a pre-mock up mock, so we call it the Maths Mock Mock.
So right after class I started heading for the door when Ee Lyn stopped me. 'Hey, aren't you going for Yein's birthday lunch?'
I raised an eyebrow and asked. 'Have they decided where to go yet?'
'Uh, I don't think so.'
Then I gave her one of my there-you-have-it looks. 'Exactly.' (Actually, I think I said "That's Why" but 'Exactly' sounds more posh)
So I dashed off to the cafeteria at E&C (strangely enough, me and my pals shortened it to cafe) got some food and had to wait about five minutes before I ate because I had to reply some people who texted me during chem class. Sorry guys, was too busy asking teach some chem-related questions during the last few minutes of the toilet break. And it was getting infuriating because just as I finished replying one text and have just replaced my phone in my pocket, the next fella sends back another text! Bugger you people!
After lunch I went up to the lib. Saw Jian and Pav there with some other people but I didn't wanna join them. Then I saw Lou's stuff on an empty table and sat down just as she walked out of the loo. Lou walked out of the loo. Geddit? Gosh, I sound like Melinda! No offense Mel! :)
Lou wanted to get some lunch so I settled with going through my chem work and my maths. Unfortunately I got sidetracked by a Personality Psychology Text which I borrowed (and which I got hooked on after seeing the Personality Disorders chapter - I borrowed it based on that alone). Ronnie and Nen Lin were at the next table, and after that they were joined by their pals. Then Jian left his table and came over, and since Lou wasn't back yet and Jian was a quiet studier, I invited him to sit with me.
Ee Lyn and Cat came up after that, quickly followed by the rest of the class. Seems that the whole Group B decided to study in the lib today, but most of them dispersed after seeing how crowded it was. Then Mark came and joined Ronnie's table, but since he didn't have a chair, he turned around to see us. The only chair available was Lou's (since Ee Lyn occupied the chair opposite Jian, who was beside me. I wondered briefly how long did it take to eat lunch - she'd been gone for an hour, gosh!) and as Mark turned to take it, I stepped in. Hey, it had Lou's bag on it, and besides, she could be back any minute. So I told Mark, 'That's my friend's chair. She's sitting there.' In a very nice, polite way, no threats or screams, even.
Mark nodded understandingly and smiled. I thought he got it, that I was looking after it for a pal, but then he turned back and said, 'OK. You know, you scare me a lot lah.'
And left me with a wth? look on my face. Just in time to hear Ee Lyn say, 'Yep, she does that to a lot of people.'
Mark's intimidated by me? And I have been nothing but nice to him!
Then Lou came back and she and Ee Lyn got into this whole convo about how I needed to chill and relax a bit (from Ee Lyn) and how she (Lou) tried for the past ten years to change me but failed. So I ended up having to justify everything I did while Jian, the little bugger, just sat there laughing. In the end I got fed up with having to justify my actions (and I said so) when what Ee Lyn said struck me.
'It's not always about you.'
Okay, I got that. Then she continued. 'Like today. Why won't you stay back to mix with Yein and all of them and just go for a class lunch?'
So I took a deep breath. 'We have nothing to talk about.'
'So? It's not always about you. True, you won't have things to talk about all the time, but you could still sit there and listen to what they have to say. Like me. I didn't know what they were talking about but I just sat there and listened.'
The little girl inside me tried to digest this bit of advice. Jian meanwhile poked a jibe at Ee Lyn saying that was because she was playing with her phone, to which Lyn replied she wasn't using her phone then.
'But...' Lyn looked at me. I tried to convey what I felt. 'Alright. It's like this. You sat there because you were having fun right? You're one of them. It's like you belong there. But for me, I have no idea what they're talking about. I'm not having fun. That's why I leave. Like that time I went to a party? I wasn't having fun so I left early.'
Ee Lyn regarded me critically. 'But you don't need to leave early. Just sit and listen to their convo, mix around. Relax. I don't even listen to what they're saying either but I still hang around.'
I didn't have an answer to that then. But after thinking deeply, I got it. Lyn, you chose not to listen. I tried that, but I wasn't having fun. Besides, I have things to do. I don't want to abandon what plans I have to waste my time not having fun.
A bit of silence after that. Was surprised when I saw the clock was showing one forty five. My class starts at two. So my time OCD kicked in, and I frantically shoved my stuff into my bag. 'I'm gonna be late, I'm gonna be late.' Honestly, I don't know why I torture myself like this. Ee Lyn glanced calmly at the clock. 'We've got fifteen minutes. Chill.' But I dragged myself up, checked out the psych book and dashed down the stairs. Was waiting for the class to empty as Jian came up to me and said, 'Whoa, you're really early.'
But I was still pensive about the whole library incident. 'It's not always about you.' 'I'm intimidated by you.' I don't get the second bit. Why does Mark feel intimidated when I've done nothing? Self diagnosing of personality disorders in the psych book (Antisocial disorder, narcissistic disorder) don't help me much. I don't get why I somehow have symptoms from practically every personality disorder except histrionic personality disorder.
It was later that I came to the conclusion: I read things, and I apply them in my life. It's like I can't help but integrate every single bit of knowledge I pick up into my daily life. And it's scaring me. Because ever since I read up about manic depression (read: bipolar), I've been having weird dreams. Yes of course, I'm a sadistic person, but this time I'm having weird ideas about sleeping forever. Homicidal tendencies are usual with me (hehe, I'm mean and wicked) but suicide is something I'd never touched.
What have I done?
Friday, 26 March 2010
I Don't Really Care About Saving People's Lives; I Just Want To Cut Them Up.
A very long time has passed since my last post, and I do apologise for not updating sooner. But A Levels has been really hectic, what with projects and mocks tests, and I've also made a promise to not go online during weekdays. Exams - as in the real, Edexcel External Exams - are just around the corner - end of May - and I seriously need to study my ass off if I'm planning on getting a good, strong, solid A. Redundant, but you get the gist.
This whole week was fun. I guess. Biology was cancelled for the whole week (which was conveniently replaced during the first few weeks of class) and the whole class was overjoyed. Hence we had a few extra hours of free time.
On Wednesday, we had Chem, and Kana entered the class to find that Mark was rummaging through Yundzir and Ronnie's bag. So being the no-nonsense chem teacher that she was, Kana proceeded to ask him what the heck he was doing, in fairly polite terms.
Mark replied: 'Oh, he borrowed my chem notes and haven't returned them.'
Cue Kana's turn to bring out her "Don't Share Chem Notes" policy again. 'That is why I don't believe in "sharing is caring." You lend your notes to your friends, they lose it, in the end it's you that is going to suffer.'
Mark continues rummaging to no positive effect, so he settles for borrowing a pal's notes to photocopy. As he was about to leave, Kana called him back.
'Mark,' she began. 'I have the feeling that you consider me to be trash.' Mark's eyes widened, and he frantically began shaking his head. Kana ignored him and continued with her lecture, twenty something pairs of eyes watching the scene. 'Because I found your notes in the bin. The dust bin,' she clarified, as Mark and the twenty students (yours truly included) blinked at this. Mark's notes. In the dust bin. Add them together and what you get?
Recipe for disaster.
'In fact, one of my senior students who found the notes got so upset because he appreciates me so much and took it very badly.' Kana continued the guilt trip. Mark laughed sheepishly. 'Maybe it's still in the bin. Go check.'
So Mark turned and started out the door when he bumps into Yundzir who had borrowed the notes. Mark went, 'Hey, they found my notes in the bin in the lab.'
Yundzir: Bin? What bin?
Mark: The dust bin.
Yundzir: (wide-eyed) Seriously?
So Mark dashed out of Block E, into Block D, ran up a few flights of stairs (or he took the lift - dunno which one), went through the lab and rummaged it. Well, not that we were with him, but we used our imaginations as a substitute.
He came back about ten minutes later without success. Kana looks at him expectantly, and he shook his head. Then the fun began. He took one step back to his place, and Kana goes, 'Oops.' And the whole class burst into laughter (yes, even Mark) as Kana took out his notes from her folder. 'Oops,' she went again, before handing his notes back to him, but paused halfway as she checked his homework. Found out that Yundzir had copied Mark's homework, and launched into another tirade on how examiners figured out who cheated in exams.
Thursday. Had the Sikhism presentation. Spent the day with Jian Haw, who reminds me a little bit of Merlin actually, don't know why. His personality, perhaps? Since we didn't have biology, we got to the Moral Studies classroom about one hour early (amidst Jian's protests that there would be the cleaning crew around who'd be cleaning the rooms) and I started practicing my presentation. Then I got bored and sat at the back with Jian and we had this discussion about how mean I was and that switched to accents (where Jian refused to do his so-called cacated indian accent for me) and then the Cleaning Staff came in and started emptying out the baskets. And Jian kept saying 'I told you so' and I had to appease him by acknowledging that he was right.
Later people started filling the class and Ee Lyn came and hung out with us. Warned Ee Lyn that I would be asking questions during my pres so she'd better pay attention to me. Then Jian interrupted with a statement that I was scary and Ee Lyn agreed. Needless to say, I was basically agreeing to whatever they were saying since I was busy texting people.
Then during my presentation I kinda botched it up a bit by reading, well, referring a lot to the slides even though I've got notes in my hand since I simply didn't want to look down at them, and I was practically leaning against the table and speaking to them. Then I noticed a couple of people not paying attention so I called them out: Daniel Chew! Tell me the 5Ks of Sikhism.
He told me later that he wanted to chuck his pal's phone (which he had been looking at when I called him out) at my head but resisted. Then I called out Ee Lyn to answer the same questions, and I distinctly saw her curse at me before she answered my question and I got the class to give her a round of applause.
Shock number 2 was when Ivory was presenting, and I got a bit annoyed that people weren't listening, so I just yelled (okay, called) to the class and basically told them in polite terms to respect Ivory a bit while she was talking, yeah? Ivory glanced at me, muttered under her breath 'Thanks' heavy in sarcasm while the whole class sat up to hear her speak. No prob, Ivory. Just helping out.
Jian later said I was really scary which was why the whole class was paying attention. I'm not that bad, am I?
This whole week was fun. I guess. Biology was cancelled for the whole week (which was conveniently replaced during the first few weeks of class) and the whole class was overjoyed. Hence we had a few extra hours of free time.
On Wednesday, we had Chem, and Kana entered the class to find that Mark was rummaging through Yundzir and Ronnie's bag. So being the no-nonsense chem teacher that she was, Kana proceeded to ask him what the heck he was doing, in fairly polite terms.
Mark replied: 'Oh, he borrowed my chem notes and haven't returned them.'
Cue Kana's turn to bring out her "Don't Share Chem Notes" policy again. 'That is why I don't believe in "sharing is caring." You lend your notes to your friends, they lose it, in the end it's you that is going to suffer.'
Mark continues rummaging to no positive effect, so he settles for borrowing a pal's notes to photocopy. As he was about to leave, Kana called him back.
'Mark,' she began. 'I have the feeling that you consider me to be trash.' Mark's eyes widened, and he frantically began shaking his head. Kana ignored him and continued with her lecture, twenty something pairs of eyes watching the scene. 'Because I found your notes in the bin. The dust bin,' she clarified, as Mark and the twenty students (yours truly included) blinked at this. Mark's notes. In the dust bin. Add them together and what you get?
Recipe for disaster.
'In fact, one of my senior students who found the notes got so upset because he appreciates me so much and took it very badly.' Kana continued the guilt trip. Mark laughed sheepishly. 'Maybe it's still in the bin. Go check.'
So Mark turned and started out the door when he bumps into Yundzir who had borrowed the notes. Mark went, 'Hey, they found my notes in the bin in the lab.'
Yundzir: Bin? What bin?
Mark: The dust bin.
Yundzir: (wide-eyed) Seriously?
So Mark dashed out of Block E, into Block D, ran up a few flights of stairs (or he took the lift - dunno which one), went through the lab and rummaged it. Well, not that we were with him, but we used our imaginations as a substitute.
He came back about ten minutes later without success. Kana looks at him expectantly, and he shook his head. Then the fun began. He took one step back to his place, and Kana goes, 'Oops.' And the whole class burst into laughter (yes, even Mark) as Kana took out his notes from her folder. 'Oops,' she went again, before handing his notes back to him, but paused halfway as she checked his homework. Found out that Yundzir had copied Mark's homework, and launched into another tirade on how examiners figured out who cheated in exams.
Thursday. Had the Sikhism presentation. Spent the day with Jian Haw, who reminds me a little bit of Merlin actually, don't know why. His personality, perhaps? Since we didn't have biology, we got to the Moral Studies classroom about one hour early (amidst Jian's protests that there would be the cleaning crew around who'd be cleaning the rooms) and I started practicing my presentation. Then I got bored and sat at the back with Jian and we had this discussion about how mean I was and that switched to accents (where Jian refused to do his so-called cacated indian accent for me) and then the Cleaning Staff came in and started emptying out the baskets. And Jian kept saying 'I told you so' and I had to appease him by acknowledging that he was right.
Later people started filling the class and Ee Lyn came and hung out with us. Warned Ee Lyn that I would be asking questions during my pres so she'd better pay attention to me. Then Jian interrupted with a statement that I was scary and Ee Lyn agreed. Needless to say, I was basically agreeing to whatever they were saying since I was busy texting people.
Then during my presentation I kinda botched it up a bit by reading, well, referring a lot to the slides even though I've got notes in my hand since I simply didn't want to look down at them, and I was practically leaning against the table and speaking to them. Then I noticed a couple of people not paying attention so I called them out: Daniel Chew! Tell me the 5Ks of Sikhism.
He told me later that he wanted to chuck his pal's phone (which he had been looking at when I called him out) at my head but resisted. Then I called out Ee Lyn to answer the same questions, and I distinctly saw her curse at me before she answered my question and I got the class to give her a round of applause.
Shock number 2 was when Ivory was presenting, and I got a bit annoyed that people weren't listening, so I just yelled (okay, called) to the class and basically told them in polite terms to respect Ivory a bit while she was talking, yeah? Ivory glanced at me, muttered under her breath 'Thanks' heavy in sarcasm while the whole class sat up to hear her speak. No prob, Ivory. Just helping out.
Jian later said I was really scary which was why the whole class was paying attention. I'm not that bad, am I?
Wednesday, 10 March 2010
I'm Proud To Be Deviant, Because It Means I'm Apart From The Rest
The irony is that I have to now, it seems, restrict myself when I'm at my freest.
Everything that I am, I learned. I had to learn how to do things that come to naturally to others. I had to learn how to expand certain natural skills by research and studying. I've been criticised at, and it makes me wonder: Who is truly there for me?
Then I got the answer: No one except myself.
I try to rush things, impatient little bugger I am. But I can't help it. And it's so weird how adults can be so contradicting. As kids, we're always told to ask questions about things you don't understand. Be curious. And I am. I ask questions because I'm curious. Curiosity didn't kill the cat, but it got me in major trouble. I have gotten into trouble before when I asked too much and the adults were simply not in the mood to entertain me. I call it curiosity. They probably call it tactless.
And I don't understand why people go on. It's this example which I've seen countless times: people attending a wedding or party of some sort, and they're served this platter of food, and when they take a bite they go all 'Mm! That's delicious!' and all that, and then you leave the place and all the comments start pouring out. 'It didn't taste so fresh!' or 'Why so yucky taste?'
Here's the bit where I'm thankful I'm quiet. I don't bother saying stuff, good or bad. People will be laughing at a joke or something and I can go all serious like there's nothing to laugh about. Believe me, I get lotsa practice in Chem class. I've caught people looking at me weirdly before, as though wondering if I'm sick or something, why isn't she laughing along with everyone else. And I look back at them calmly, as though asking them what's their problem. That usually shuts them up.
What's the point of talking? It's not like people are going to listen to me. Oh, yes, I've had moments where I'd be speaking to someone and I'm suddenly interrupted by them. God knows I've been trying to be a good listener and all that but I'm so tired of it. I add detail into my tales because it makes it all the more real and easier to connect to. But I'm starting to see there's really not much point in small talk. Thanks to that I'm now playing a game where I stay silent for the rest of the day and see if anyone notices. So far, no takers.
And about SPM. Yes, I get it. It's the most important examination. But it irks me to see people going about and telling each other that they're nervous about their results. First off, we know. We took the exam too, remember? We were there. If we wanted a constant repetition we would've bought a tape recorder. Secondly, everyone seems to place more importance on their results compared to college work right now. Again, what's the point? Unless you create a time machine, there is no way sobbing and moaning about it will affect your results in any way. You're already in college. Focus on your education. Knowledge is power. So you got bad grades. Learn from your mistakes. Don't repeat them. And yet I see people planning to skip the rest of the day regardless of whether they get good or bad results. It's done with, it's in the past.
Thanks to you, I'm really starting to regret divulging secrets. I'm gonna keep my mouth shut and not reveal a single thing. It's a bit condescending how you bounce from the opening band to the main act and back again for your entertainment. It probably doesn't feel that way on your end but I do feel it on mine. Know why? It's because I'm the opening band, not the main act, not the one you are eager for. Nothing offensive meant by that, nothing romantic either, but it's just very patronizing.
This means more to me that it ever will to you.
Everything that I am, I learned. I had to learn how to do things that come to naturally to others. I had to learn how to expand certain natural skills by research and studying. I've been criticised at, and it makes me wonder: Who is truly there for me?
Then I got the answer: No one except myself.
I try to rush things, impatient little bugger I am. But I can't help it. And it's so weird how adults can be so contradicting. As kids, we're always told to ask questions about things you don't understand. Be curious. And I am. I ask questions because I'm curious. Curiosity didn't kill the cat, but it got me in major trouble. I have gotten into trouble before when I asked too much and the adults were simply not in the mood to entertain me. I call it curiosity. They probably call it tactless.
And I don't understand why people go on. It's this example which I've seen countless times: people attending a wedding or party of some sort, and they're served this platter of food, and when they take a bite they go all 'Mm! That's delicious!' and all that, and then you leave the place and all the comments start pouring out. 'It didn't taste so fresh!' or 'Why so yucky taste?'
Here's the bit where I'm thankful I'm quiet. I don't bother saying stuff, good or bad. People will be laughing at a joke or something and I can go all serious like there's nothing to laugh about. Believe me, I get lotsa practice in Chem class. I've caught people looking at me weirdly before, as though wondering if I'm sick or something, why isn't she laughing along with everyone else. And I look back at them calmly, as though asking them what's their problem. That usually shuts them up.
What's the point of talking? It's not like people are going to listen to me. Oh, yes, I've had moments where I'd be speaking to someone and I'm suddenly interrupted by them. God knows I've been trying to be a good listener and all that but I'm so tired of it. I add detail into my tales because it makes it all the more real and easier to connect to. But I'm starting to see there's really not much point in small talk. Thanks to that I'm now playing a game where I stay silent for the rest of the day and see if anyone notices. So far, no takers.
And about SPM. Yes, I get it. It's the most important examination. But it irks me to see people going about and telling each other that they're nervous about their results. First off, we know. We took the exam too, remember? We were there. If we wanted a constant repetition we would've bought a tape recorder. Secondly, everyone seems to place more importance on their results compared to college work right now. Again, what's the point? Unless you create a time machine, there is no way sobbing and moaning about it will affect your results in any way. You're already in college. Focus on your education. Knowledge is power. So you got bad grades. Learn from your mistakes. Don't repeat them. And yet I see people planning to skip the rest of the day regardless of whether they get good or bad results. It's done with, it's in the past.
Thanks to you, I'm really starting to regret divulging secrets. I'm gonna keep my mouth shut and not reveal a single thing. It's a bit condescending how you bounce from the opening band to the main act and back again for your entertainment. It probably doesn't feel that way on your end but I do feel it on mine. Know why? It's because I'm the opening band, not the main act, not the one you are eager for. Nothing offensive meant by that, nothing romantic either, but it's just very patronizing.
This means more to me that it ever will to you.
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