Unbearable pain. Unbearable anguish.
Of all the things to be affected by, I am affected by music. Not in the typical sense where a catchy beat makes you want to dance, or when a sad tune makes you want to change the channel. But in the sense that I read so much into lyrics and tunes and melody that I end up even more miserable than before.
Really, go check out this soundtrack from the movie Brave: Noble Maiden Fair. It's a really nice lullaby in Gaelic, and the English translation is really nice and all, but the melody, the Gaelic prose, the instrumental affects me so badly, my mind goes on overdrive. My head and heart translates this lullaby into a lament, even though the lyrics have absolutely nothing to do with death, and everything to do with the prospect of the future. This song is on repeat on my playlist, and I'm so invested in this, every single time it comes on, I keep getting the feeling that someone very close to my heart has been taken from me, and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. I can't prevent it, I can't get over it, and the anguish sets in. Unbearable.
This gives me a different kind of rush I get from Narnia The Battle; this gives me the same feeling I get from The Gravel Road. The feeling of helplessness, the guilt, the dying embers of the fire inside. The feeling that you would scream if you could, but no one is listening. No one is.
I've often said that I want to be a telempath like Emma deLauro, but if I can't get that, the next best superpower is the ability to transmit my feelings into music. At least then, it will be heard, and I can leave under the impression that I've confided in someone after all.
Thursday 28 June 2012
Monday 18 June 2012
Moment of Distress
It's been ages since I last posted, but now that I'm home, bumming the holiday away while waiting to hear from Nott UK, there doesn't seem much to talk about. I'm caught up in the normalcy of life, and everything follows a pre-determined routine. I'm very boring, I doubt that will change anytime soon.
But during this holiday I've discovered Ellen DeGeneres. I mean, I've stumbled on her videos on Youtube every so often, but it's only now that I actually have the time to go through all 3000+ of her clips. And it's hilarious, her monologues, and she's like the female, American version of Michael McIntyre - she takes the normal stuff people do and she talks about it and insert witty pun here and I'm cracking up.
Ellen is so addictive I once stayed up till half past 3 in the morning watching her videos. And this was after I woke up around nine or ten, and went online the entire day. Every time I click on another video, I keep staring at the clock and go, "Just one more and I'll go to sleep." Two hours later I'm still saying the same thing.
Last night was the first night in a long while that I actually went to bed at ten-ish. Which wasn't really good, since my body clock had already adjusted to bedtime = 2 a.m. and as a result, I was tossing and turning the whole night even though I was mentally tired and my eyes wanted to commit suicide. I don't actually remember what time I slept, but I did it in the end, only to wake up in the middle of the night.
Which turned into another round of Toss N' Turn, since my body decided to wake up but my brain was having no part of it. Then I thought, "All right. My alarm's set to six a.m. as usual, I'm going to try to get up at that time." The alarm went off, my hand reached up, I turned off the alarm, and promptly went back to bed.
I sleep so soundly, and the turning off of the alarm is so automatic that I sometimes wonder if I'd even switch on my alarm at all. (I did; I do this every night. It's a habit. It's also something I'm in denial about, the feeling where I could get up at six if I wanted to.)
I'm feeling really guilty about bumming around when I should really get a job, so I go and look for internships, but one thing about it is that no one, absolutely no one, from Sime Darby all the way to Dutch Lady posts these internships on their websites. (I suppose they want us to work it out on our own, but...) So I'm forced to pick up the phone and call people, which I really rather not do because I have a thing about talking to strangers. Don't like it, don't want to do it. I'm just antisocial - and boring - that way.
(And the first time I called a company, I misdialled the fax number. I tried again - no one picked up. But then again, I did call on a Saturday.)
There isn't any 'set-in-stone' email address for me to email people, because I'd rather much email people. I'd rather just email them my CV and my transcripts and et al and it's annoying because they don't have emails. And almost all the jobs that are listed requires experience, at least one year. Thus starts the "I need to work to get experience, I need to get experience to work" paradox again. Chicken and egg, people.
There's a lot going on right now, and something happened about 24 hours ago that really upsetted me and has thrown my world into a bit of a mess. And even if no one reads this, it's nice to type this out, because it gives me more control over what I want to say, and it's just easier than telling someone, because this really is the kind of problem that you want to stew over, and have someone on the same wavelength that they instantly know what you're trying to say even when you don't feel like talking about it. It's not really something you want to talk about because, haters will hate, and most of the time people do tend to take things the wrong way so why even bother?
But during this holiday I've discovered Ellen DeGeneres. I mean, I've stumbled on her videos on Youtube every so often, but it's only now that I actually have the time to go through all 3000+ of her clips. And it's hilarious, her monologues, and she's like the female, American version of Michael McIntyre - she takes the normal stuff people do and she talks about it and insert witty pun here and I'm cracking up.
Ellen is so addictive I once stayed up till half past 3 in the morning watching her videos. And this was after I woke up around nine or ten, and went online the entire day. Every time I click on another video, I keep staring at the clock and go, "Just one more and I'll go to sleep." Two hours later I'm still saying the same thing.
Last night was the first night in a long while that I actually went to bed at ten-ish. Which wasn't really good, since my body clock had already adjusted to bedtime = 2 a.m. and as a result, I was tossing and turning the whole night even though I was mentally tired and my eyes wanted to commit suicide. I don't actually remember what time I slept, but I did it in the end, only to wake up in the middle of the night.
Which turned into another round of Toss N' Turn, since my body decided to wake up but my brain was having no part of it. Then I thought, "All right. My alarm's set to six a.m. as usual, I'm going to try to get up at that time." The alarm went off, my hand reached up, I turned off the alarm, and promptly went back to bed.
I sleep so soundly, and the turning off of the alarm is so automatic that I sometimes wonder if I'd even switch on my alarm at all. (I did; I do this every night. It's a habit. It's also something I'm in denial about, the feeling where I could get up at six if I wanted to.)
I'm feeling really guilty about bumming around when I should really get a job, so I go and look for internships, but one thing about it is that no one, absolutely no one, from Sime Darby all the way to Dutch Lady posts these internships on their websites. (I suppose they want us to work it out on our own, but...) So I'm forced to pick up the phone and call people, which I really rather not do because I have a thing about talking to strangers. Don't like it, don't want to do it. I'm just antisocial - and boring - that way.
(And the first time I called a company, I misdialled the fax number. I tried again - no one picked up. But then again, I did call on a Saturday.)
There isn't any 'set-in-stone' email address for me to email people, because I'd rather much email people. I'd rather just email them my CV and my transcripts and et al and it's annoying because they don't have emails. And almost all the jobs that are listed requires experience, at least one year. Thus starts the "I need to work to get experience, I need to get experience to work" paradox again. Chicken and egg, people.
There's a lot going on right now, and something happened about 24 hours ago that really upsetted me and has thrown my world into a bit of a mess. And even if no one reads this, it's nice to type this out, because it gives me more control over what I want to say, and it's just easier than telling someone, because this really is the kind of problem that you want to stew over, and have someone on the same wavelength that they instantly know what you're trying to say even when you don't feel like talking about it. It's not really something you want to talk about because, haters will hate, and most of the time people do tend to take things the wrong way so why even bother?
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