Friday, 4 January 2013

To Free The Caged Soul

I've just returned from a holiday up north, and while I made it a habit to not expect too much, but to keep everything at a neutral baseline, it is true what C.S. Lewis said, "See the bear in his own den before you judge of his conditions.” or the simpler version, "Come, Live with me and you'll know me."

It is perhaps telling that I had a hesitancy about me even before we left. It was a wonderful opportunity to widen my horizons, but I ended it with a feeling of something less than satisfaction. Headed up north with the pal and the parental unit and the guard. Our destination was not what I had imagine, perhaps. Was rather quiet the first couple of days, but I noticed that the pal's sibling was being even more quiet than I was, and for some reason I just felt it was up to me to draw her out a little bit. If we're supposed to be having fun, might as well have fun together, no?

I'll only have the flat to myself for a day or so more, and I feel terribly unhappy about that. I've gotten so used to my own company that the thought of sharing the flat with the others felt awkward, I'm being so possessive. The first couple of days alone was disconcerting, that I actually asked myself if I truly wanted to live alone when I had a job and all that. But I settled, and now, with everyone returning soon, it feels like I've lost my solitude. Which sounds a bit insane, since even when they're here I'm mostly doing work in my room, only coming out for meals etc.

Truly, it is when you watch how others interact with their kin that you learn about them. Just staying with them isn't enough, because despite it all, you're not interacting with them 24/7, in comparison to when I holidayed with the pal. We were having a full day interaction, and I think some of my habits just don't agree with them in general, simply because I'm of the school that subscribes to the "Early to bed, and early to rise" class of thought, and well, students aren't that used to getting up early, hey?

It's just...I admit, it was an experience, I just haven't decided if it was for the better or not. I can't say for the worse, because I did learn things, even if some of the things I learnt were possibly negative knowledge, but it's still a toss up between if it was, overall, a good experience or a baseline situation.

Anyway, returned and had a great dinner with Kits and D. The Guitar Man wasn't there, unfortunately, but in hindsight that was probably better, as it was a girls' night in and we just spoke about everything at length. Somehow I ended up confiding in them of the past, and one thing that unsettled me was, despite being all right with how it petered out, despite everything, I still get a rush of adrenaline flowing through just when I related the tale. My fight or flight response had kicked in, because I was very certain it wasn't excitement, it was apprehension. My hands were shaking, and hours later, when we were leaving, and we just casually mentioned the topic again, my hands shook.

My mind treats it as a bad memory, to be buried, to never be brought up again, I learnt a valuable lesson. Kits and I were talking about the likelihood of us entering into a thing with someone else; as usual I gave the 5Year excuse, and Kits mentioned that the fact I am using studies as an excuse simply meant I wasn't prepared for anything further. I never saw it that way, but I do agree with her analysis, considering that even I felt that I wasn't mature enough for anything as of yet.

Personally, I've listened, I've watched and learned how not to act just by seeing all the mistakes other people have made. I learned now, to not prolong things, to act upon it once my mind is made up. That better to have a clean break than a draggy ending. I've also sworn to be patient, kind, and to always, always hear the other person out in any situation. To always communicate, to speak my mind, to hear the other side of the story without judgment, without condemnation. To only resort to a final separation when all else fails.

Despite my bravado, despite all I set out to achieve, based on my track record, I think I find it hard to trust anyone enough to lose control.

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