At Times Like This, I Just Want To Sleep And Never Wake Up

I'm being a bit morbid lately.

OK, maybe I'm always morbid, but never like this. I might have wanted to murder someone, but that person is never myself. It's strange and scary that my thoughts are becoming darker by the minute.

We were in Chem class today when Fi mentioned it was Yein's birthday. So of course, what followed after was the honorary birthday song. Kana even chimed in since she entered as we were about to begin class. Fi suggested that the whole class go out for lunch together to celebrate Yein's big day. They started making suggestions like going back to the main block, at which point I'd privately decided not to show up. Why not? I hear you ask. Well I have things to do, mainly study for my maths mock mock tomorrow. Yep, Mock mock. It's a pre-mock up mock, so we call it the Maths Mock Mock.

So right after class I started heading for the door when Ee Lyn stopped me. 'Hey, aren't you going for Yein's birthday lunch?'

I raised an eyebrow and asked. 'Have they decided where to go yet?'

'Uh, I don't think so.'

Then I gave her one of my there-you-have-it looks. 'Exactly.' (Actually, I think I said "That's Why" but 'Exactly' sounds more posh)

So I dashed off to the cafeteria at E&C (strangely enough, me and my pals shortened it to cafe) got some food and had to wait about five minutes before I ate because I had to reply some people who texted me during chem class. Sorry guys, was too busy asking teach some chem-related questions during the last few minutes of the toilet break. And it was getting infuriating because just as I finished replying one text and have just replaced my phone in my pocket, the next fella sends back another text! Bugger you people!

After lunch I went up to the lib. Saw Jian and Pav there with some other people but I didn't wanna join them. Then I saw Lou's stuff on an empty table and sat down just as she walked out of the loo. Lou walked out of the loo. Geddit? Gosh, I sound like Melinda! No offense Mel! :)

Lou wanted to get some lunch so I settled with going through my chem work and my maths. Unfortunately I got sidetracked by a Personality Psychology Text which I borrowed (and which I got hooked on after seeing the Personality Disorders chapter - I borrowed it based on that alone). Ronnie and Nen Lin were at the next table, and after that they were joined by their pals. Then Jian left his table and came over, and since Lou wasn't back yet and Jian was a quiet studier, I invited him to sit with me.

Ee Lyn and Cat came up after that, quickly followed by the rest of the class. Seems that the whole Group B decided to study in the lib today, but most of them dispersed after seeing how crowded it was. Then Mark came and joined Ronnie's table, but since he didn't have a chair, he turned around to see us. The only chair available was Lou's (since Ee Lyn occupied the chair opposite Jian, who was beside me. I wondered briefly how long did it take to eat lunch - she'd been gone for an hour, gosh!) and as Mark turned to take it, I stepped in. Hey, it had Lou's bag on it, and besides, she could be back any minute. So I told Mark, 'That's my friend's chair. She's sitting there.' In a very nice, polite way, no threats or screams, even.

Mark nodded understandingly and smiled. I thought he got it, that I was looking after it for a pal, but then he turned back and said, 'OK. You know, you scare me a lot lah.'

And left me with a wth? look on my face. Just in time to hear Ee Lyn say, 'Yep, she does that to a lot of people.'

Mark's intimidated by me? And I have been nothing but nice to him!

Then Lou came back and she and Ee Lyn got into this whole convo about how I needed to chill and relax a bit (from Ee Lyn) and how she (Lou) tried for the past ten years to change me but failed. So I ended up having to justify everything I did while Jian, the little bugger, just sat there laughing. In the end I got fed up with having to justify my actions (and I said so) when what Ee Lyn said struck me.

'It's not always about you.'

Okay, I got that. Then she continued. 'Like today. Why won't you stay back to mix with Yein and all of them and just go for a class lunch?'

So I took a deep breath. 'We have nothing to talk about.'

'So? It's not always about you. True, you won't have things to talk about all the time, but you could still sit there and listen to what they have to say. Like me. I didn't know what they were talking about but I just sat there and listened.'

The little girl inside me tried to digest this bit of advice. Jian meanwhile poked a jibe at Ee Lyn saying that was because she was playing with her phone, to which Lyn replied she wasn't using her phone then.

'But...' Lyn looked at me. I tried to convey what I felt. 'Alright. It's like this. You sat there because you were having fun right? You're one of them. It's like you belong there. But for me, I have no idea what they're talking about. I'm not having fun. That's why I leave. Like that time I went to a party? I wasn't having fun so I left early.'

Ee Lyn regarded me critically. 'But you don't need to leave early. Just sit and listen to their convo, mix around. Relax. I don't even listen to what they're saying either but I still hang around.'

I didn't have an answer to that then. But after thinking deeply, I got it. Lyn, you chose not to listen. I tried that, but I wasn't having fun. Besides, I have things to do. I don't want to abandon what plans I have to waste my time not having fun.

A bit of silence after that. Was surprised when I saw the clock was showing one forty five. My class starts at two. So my time OCD kicked in, and I frantically shoved my stuff into my bag. 'I'm gonna be late, I'm gonna be late.' Honestly, I don't know why I torture myself like this. Ee Lyn glanced calmly at the clock. 'We've got fifteen minutes. Chill.' But I dragged myself up, checked out the psych book and dashed down the stairs. Was waiting for the class to empty as Jian came up to me and said, 'Whoa, you're really early.'

But I was still pensive about the whole library incident. 'It's not always about you.' 'I'm intimidated by you.' I don't get the second bit. Why does Mark feel intimidated when I've done nothing? Self diagnosing of personality disorders in the psych book (Antisocial disorder, narcissistic disorder) don't help me much. I don't get why I somehow have symptoms from practically every personality disorder except histrionic personality disorder.

It was later that I came to the conclusion: I read things, and I apply them in my life. It's like I can't help but integrate every single bit of knowledge I pick up into my daily life. And it's scaring me. Because ever since I read up about manic depression (read: bipolar), I've been having weird dreams. Yes of course, I'm a sadistic person, but this time I'm having weird ideas about sleeping forever. Homicidal tendencies are usual with me (hehe, I'm mean and wicked) but suicide is something I'd never touched.

What have I done?

I Don't Really Care About Saving People's Lives; I Just Want To Cut Them Up.

A very long time has passed since my last post, and I do apologise for not updating sooner. But A Levels has been really hectic, what with projects and mocks tests, and I've also made a promise to not go online during weekdays. Exams - as in the real, Edexcel External Exams - are just around the corner - end of May - and I seriously need to study my ass off if I'm planning on getting a good, strong, solid A. Redundant, but you get the gist.

This whole week was fun. I guess. Biology was cancelled for the whole week (which was conveniently replaced during the first few weeks of class) and the whole class was overjoyed. Hence we had a few extra hours of free time.

On Wednesday, we had Chem, and Kana entered the class to find that Mark was rummaging through Yundzir and Ronnie's bag. So being the no-nonsense chem teacher that she was, Kana proceeded to ask him what the heck he was doing, in fairly polite terms.

Mark replied: 'Oh, he borrowed my chem notes and haven't returned them.'

Cue Kana's turn to bring out her "Don't Share Chem Notes" policy again. 'That is why I don't believe in "sharing is caring." You lend your notes to your friends, they lose it, in the end it's you that is going to suffer.'

Mark continues rummaging to no positive effect, so he settles for borrowing a pal's notes to photocopy. As he was about to leave, Kana called him back.

'Mark,' she began. 'I have the feeling that you consider me to be trash.' Mark's eyes widened, and he frantically began shaking his head. Kana ignored him and continued with her lecture, twenty something pairs of eyes watching the scene. 'Because I found your notes in the bin. The dust bin,' she clarified, as Mark and the twenty students (yours truly included) blinked at this. Mark's notes. In the dust bin. Add them together and what you get?

Recipe for disaster.

'In fact, one of my senior students who found the notes got so upset because he appreciates me so much and took it very badly.' Kana continued the guilt trip. Mark laughed sheepishly. 'Maybe it's still in the bin. Go check.'

So Mark turned and started out the door when he bumps into Yundzir who had borrowed the notes. Mark went, 'Hey, they found my notes in the bin in the lab.'

Yundzir: Bin? What bin?

Mark: The dust bin.

Yundzir: (wide-eyed) Seriously?

So Mark dashed out of Block E, into Block D, ran up a few flights of stairs (or he took the lift - dunno which one), went through the lab and rummaged it. Well, not that we were with him, but we used our imaginations as a substitute.

He came back about ten minutes later without success. Kana looks at him expectantly, and he shook his head. Then the fun began. He took one step back to his place, and Kana goes, 'Oops.' And the whole class burst into laughter (yes, even Mark) as Kana took out his notes from her folder. 'Oops,' she went again, before handing his notes back to him, but paused halfway as she checked his homework. Found out that Yundzir had copied Mark's homework, and launched into another tirade on how examiners figured out who cheated in exams.

Thursday. Had the Sikhism presentation. Spent the day with Jian Haw, who reminds me a little bit of Merlin actually, don't know why. His personality, perhaps? Since we didn't have biology, we got to the Moral Studies classroom about one hour early (amidst Jian's protests that there would be the cleaning crew around who'd be cleaning the rooms) and I started practicing my presentation. Then I got bored and sat at the back with Jian and we had this discussion about how mean I was and that switched to accents (where Jian refused to do his so-called cacated indian accent for me) and then the Cleaning Staff came in and started emptying out the baskets. And Jian kept saying 'I told you so' and I had to appease him by acknowledging that he was right.

Later people started filling the class and Ee Lyn came and hung out with us. Warned Ee Lyn that I would be asking questions during my pres so she'd better pay attention to me. Then Jian interrupted with a statement that I was scary and Ee Lyn agreed. Needless to say, I was basically agreeing to whatever they were saying since I was busy texting people.

Then during my presentation I kinda botched it up a bit by reading, well, referring a lot to the slides even though I've got notes in my hand since I simply didn't want to look down at them, and I was practically leaning against the table and speaking to them. Then I noticed a couple of people not paying attention so I called them out: Daniel Chew! Tell me the 5Ks of Sikhism.

He told me later that he wanted to chuck his pal's phone (which he had been looking at when I called him out) at my head but resisted. Then I called out Ee Lyn to answer the same questions, and I distinctly saw her curse at me before she answered my question and I got the class to give her a round of applause.

Shock number 2 was when Ivory was presenting, and I got a bit annoyed that people weren't listening, so I just yelled (okay, called) to the class and basically told them in polite terms to respect Ivory a bit while she was talking, yeah? Ivory glanced at me, muttered under her breath 'Thanks' heavy in sarcasm while the whole class sat up to hear her speak. No prob, Ivory. Just helping out.

Jian later said I was really scary which was why the whole class was paying attention. I'm not that bad, am I?

I'm Proud To Be Deviant, Because It Means I'm Apart From The Rest

The irony is that I have to now, it seems, restrict myself when I'm at my freest.

Everything that I am, I learned. I had to learn how to do things that come to naturally to others. I had to learn how to expand certain natural skills by research and studying. I've been criticised at, and it makes me wonder: Who is truly there for me?

Then I got the answer: No one except myself.

I try to rush things, impatient little bugger I am. But I can't help it. And it's so weird how adults can be so contradicting. As kids, we're always told to ask questions about things you don't understand. Be curious. And I am. I ask questions because I'm curious. Curiosity didn't kill the cat, but it got me in major trouble. I have gotten into trouble before when I asked too much and the adults were simply not in the mood to entertain me. I call it curiosity. They probably call it tactless.

And I don't understand why people go on. It's this example which I've seen countless times: people attending a wedding or party of some sort, and they're served this platter of food, and when they take a bite they go all 'Mm! That's delicious!' and all that, and then you leave the place and all the comments start pouring out. 'It didn't taste so fresh!' or 'Why so yucky taste?'

Here's the bit where I'm thankful I'm quiet. I don't bother saying stuff, good or bad. People will be laughing at a joke or something and I can go all serious like there's nothing to laugh about. Believe me, I get lotsa practice in Chem class. I've caught people looking at me weirdly before, as though wondering if I'm sick or something, why isn't she laughing along with everyone else. And I look back at them calmly, as though asking them what's their problem. That usually shuts them up.

What's the point of talking? It's not like people are going to listen to me. Oh, yes, I've had moments where I'd be speaking to someone and I'm suddenly interrupted by them. God knows I've been trying to be a good listener and all that but I'm so tired of it. I add detail into my tales because it makes it all the more real and easier to connect to. But I'm starting to see there's really not much point in small talk. Thanks to that I'm now playing a game where I stay silent for the rest of the day and see if anyone notices. So far, no takers.

And about SPM. Yes, I get it. It's the most important examination. But it irks me to see people going about and telling each other that they're nervous about their results. First off, we know. We took the exam too, remember? We were there. If we wanted a constant repetition we would've bought a tape recorder. Secondly, everyone seems to place more importance on their results compared to college work right now. Again, what's the point? Unless you create a time machine, there is no way sobbing and moaning about it will affect your results in any way. You're already in college. Focus on your education. Knowledge is power. So you got bad grades. Learn from your mistakes. Don't repeat them. And yet I see people planning to skip the rest of the day regardless of whether they get good or bad results. It's done with, it's in the past.

Thanks to you, I'm really starting to regret divulging secrets. I'm gonna keep my mouth shut and not reveal a single thing. It's a bit condescending how you bounce from the opening band to the main act and back again for your entertainment. It probably doesn't feel that way on your end but I do feel it on mine. Know why? It's because I'm the opening band, not the main act, not the one you are eager for. Nothing offensive meant by that, nothing romantic either, but it's just very patronizing.

This means more to me that it ever will to you.

Colourblind

It's so much easier to see
When you're colourblind
All that's left is black and white
No grey area in between
No more confusion
But you miss out on the truth

I walk around and
Everyone's preoccupied
With things that aren't even worth it
It's either wrong or right
Why read so much inside
What about me?

The world's moving on without me
I like to stay in the present but
Everyone's off somewhere without me
I'd rather be ignorant, break all the rules
What do I care if someone dies
I'm just colourblind

I tried to see it through their eyes
But it doesn't work out
Tried to understand but I kept asking why
Is it so hard to face the truth
That we're not who we think we are
There's always darkness deep inside

Dusty Pathway

With every day that goes by
We've become further apart
Why are you so distant
When it should be me who walks away

There used to be a hint
That speaks volumes between us
We used to be so close
I trusted you with so much
But it seems like you pulled out
Leaving me behind in the dust

Must I search for common ground
Must I probe so hard
For some sign that you are well
I made a promise before
But this has reinforced it all the more
I'll never cry again
Now the balance is shifting
We can't go back to where we used to be
Oh, we can try
But it'll not be the same
There will always be a gap in between