Wednesday, 10 March 2010

I'm Proud To Be Deviant, Because It Means I'm Apart From The Rest

The irony is that I have to now, it seems, restrict myself when I'm at my freest.

Everything that I am, I learned. I had to learn how to do things that come to naturally to others. I had to learn how to expand certain natural skills by research and studying. I've been criticised at, and it makes me wonder: Who is truly there for me?

Then I got the answer: No one except myself.

I try to rush things, impatient little bugger I am. But I can't help it. And it's so weird how adults can be so contradicting. As kids, we're always told to ask questions about things you don't understand. Be curious. And I am. I ask questions because I'm curious. Curiosity didn't kill the cat, but it got me in major trouble. I have gotten into trouble before when I asked too much and the adults were simply not in the mood to entertain me. I call it curiosity. They probably call it tactless.

And I don't understand why people go on. It's this example which I've seen countless times: people attending a wedding or party of some sort, and they're served this platter of food, and when they take a bite they go all 'Mm! That's delicious!' and all that, and then you leave the place and all the comments start pouring out. 'It didn't taste so fresh!' or 'Why so yucky taste?'

Here's the bit where I'm thankful I'm quiet. I don't bother saying stuff, good or bad. People will be laughing at a joke or something and I can go all serious like there's nothing to laugh about. Believe me, I get lotsa practice in Chem class. I've caught people looking at me weirdly before, as though wondering if I'm sick or something, why isn't she laughing along with everyone else. And I look back at them calmly, as though asking them what's their problem. That usually shuts them up.

What's the point of talking? It's not like people are going to listen to me. Oh, yes, I've had moments where I'd be speaking to someone and I'm suddenly interrupted by them. God knows I've been trying to be a good listener and all that but I'm so tired of it. I add detail into my tales because it makes it all the more real and easier to connect to. But I'm starting to see there's really not much point in small talk. Thanks to that I'm now playing a game where I stay silent for the rest of the day and see if anyone notices. So far, no takers.

And about SPM. Yes, I get it. It's the most important examination. But it irks me to see people going about and telling each other that they're nervous about their results. First off, we know. We took the exam too, remember? We were there. If we wanted a constant repetition we would've bought a tape recorder. Secondly, everyone seems to place more importance on their results compared to college work right now. Again, what's the point? Unless you create a time machine, there is no way sobbing and moaning about it will affect your results in any way. You're already in college. Focus on your education. Knowledge is power. So you got bad grades. Learn from your mistakes. Don't repeat them. And yet I see people planning to skip the rest of the day regardless of whether they get good or bad results. It's done with, it's in the past.

Thanks to you, I'm really starting to regret divulging secrets. I'm gonna keep my mouth shut and not reveal a single thing. It's a bit condescending how you bounce from the opening band to the main act and back again for your entertainment. It probably doesn't feel that way on your end but I do feel it on mine. Know why? It's because I'm the opening band, not the main act, not the one you are eager for. Nothing offensive meant by that, nothing romantic either, but it's just very patronizing.

This means more to me that it ever will to you.

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