Wednesday, 31 March 2010

At Times Like This, I Just Want To Sleep And Never Wake Up

I'm being a bit morbid lately.

OK, maybe I'm always morbid, but never like this. I might have wanted to murder someone, but that person is never myself. It's strange and scary that my thoughts are becoming darker by the minute.

We were in Chem class today when Fi mentioned it was Yein's birthday. So of course, what followed after was the honorary birthday song. Kana even chimed in since she entered as we were about to begin class. Fi suggested that the whole class go out for lunch together to celebrate Yein's big day. They started making suggestions like going back to the main block, at which point I'd privately decided not to show up. Why not? I hear you ask. Well I have things to do, mainly study for my maths mock mock tomorrow. Yep, Mock mock. It's a pre-mock up mock, so we call it the Maths Mock Mock.

So right after class I started heading for the door when Ee Lyn stopped me. 'Hey, aren't you going for Yein's birthday lunch?'

I raised an eyebrow and asked. 'Have they decided where to go yet?'

'Uh, I don't think so.'

Then I gave her one of my there-you-have-it looks. 'Exactly.' (Actually, I think I said "That's Why" but 'Exactly' sounds more posh)

So I dashed off to the cafeteria at E&C (strangely enough, me and my pals shortened it to cafe) got some food and had to wait about five minutes before I ate because I had to reply some people who texted me during chem class. Sorry guys, was too busy asking teach some chem-related questions during the last few minutes of the toilet break. And it was getting infuriating because just as I finished replying one text and have just replaced my phone in my pocket, the next fella sends back another text! Bugger you people!

After lunch I went up to the lib. Saw Jian and Pav there with some other people but I didn't wanna join them. Then I saw Lou's stuff on an empty table and sat down just as she walked out of the loo. Lou walked out of the loo. Geddit? Gosh, I sound like Melinda! No offense Mel! :)

Lou wanted to get some lunch so I settled with going through my chem work and my maths. Unfortunately I got sidetracked by a Personality Psychology Text which I borrowed (and which I got hooked on after seeing the Personality Disorders chapter - I borrowed it based on that alone). Ronnie and Nen Lin were at the next table, and after that they were joined by their pals. Then Jian left his table and came over, and since Lou wasn't back yet and Jian was a quiet studier, I invited him to sit with me.

Ee Lyn and Cat came up after that, quickly followed by the rest of the class. Seems that the whole Group B decided to study in the lib today, but most of them dispersed after seeing how crowded it was. Then Mark came and joined Ronnie's table, but since he didn't have a chair, he turned around to see us. The only chair available was Lou's (since Ee Lyn occupied the chair opposite Jian, who was beside me. I wondered briefly how long did it take to eat lunch - she'd been gone for an hour, gosh!) and as Mark turned to take it, I stepped in. Hey, it had Lou's bag on it, and besides, she could be back any minute. So I told Mark, 'That's my friend's chair. She's sitting there.' In a very nice, polite way, no threats or screams, even.

Mark nodded understandingly and smiled. I thought he got it, that I was looking after it for a pal, but then he turned back and said, 'OK. You know, you scare me a lot lah.'

And left me with a wth? look on my face. Just in time to hear Ee Lyn say, 'Yep, she does that to a lot of people.'

Mark's intimidated by me? And I have been nothing but nice to him!

Then Lou came back and she and Ee Lyn got into this whole convo about how I needed to chill and relax a bit (from Ee Lyn) and how she (Lou) tried for the past ten years to change me but failed. So I ended up having to justify everything I did while Jian, the little bugger, just sat there laughing. In the end I got fed up with having to justify my actions (and I said so) when what Ee Lyn said struck me.

'It's not always about you.'

Okay, I got that. Then she continued. 'Like today. Why won't you stay back to mix with Yein and all of them and just go for a class lunch?'

So I took a deep breath. 'We have nothing to talk about.'

'So? It's not always about you. True, you won't have things to talk about all the time, but you could still sit there and listen to what they have to say. Like me. I didn't know what they were talking about but I just sat there and listened.'

The little girl inside me tried to digest this bit of advice. Jian meanwhile poked a jibe at Ee Lyn saying that was because she was playing with her phone, to which Lyn replied she wasn't using her phone then.

'But...' Lyn looked at me. I tried to convey what I felt. 'Alright. It's like this. You sat there because you were having fun right? You're one of them. It's like you belong there. But for me, I have no idea what they're talking about. I'm not having fun. That's why I leave. Like that time I went to a party? I wasn't having fun so I left early.'

Ee Lyn regarded me critically. 'But you don't need to leave early. Just sit and listen to their convo, mix around. Relax. I don't even listen to what they're saying either but I still hang around.'

I didn't have an answer to that then. But after thinking deeply, I got it. Lyn, you chose not to listen. I tried that, but I wasn't having fun. Besides, I have things to do. I don't want to abandon what plans I have to waste my time not having fun.

A bit of silence after that. Was surprised when I saw the clock was showing one forty five. My class starts at two. So my time OCD kicked in, and I frantically shoved my stuff into my bag. 'I'm gonna be late, I'm gonna be late.' Honestly, I don't know why I torture myself like this. Ee Lyn glanced calmly at the clock. 'We've got fifteen minutes. Chill.' But I dragged myself up, checked out the psych book and dashed down the stairs. Was waiting for the class to empty as Jian came up to me and said, 'Whoa, you're really early.'

But I was still pensive about the whole library incident. 'It's not always about you.' 'I'm intimidated by you.' I don't get the second bit. Why does Mark feel intimidated when I've done nothing? Self diagnosing of personality disorders in the psych book (Antisocial disorder, narcissistic disorder) don't help me much. I don't get why I somehow have symptoms from practically every personality disorder except histrionic personality disorder.

It was later that I came to the conclusion: I read things, and I apply them in my life. It's like I can't help but integrate every single bit of knowledge I pick up into my daily life. And it's scaring me. Because ever since I read up about manic depression (read: bipolar), I've been having weird dreams. Yes of course, I'm a sadistic person, but this time I'm having weird ideas about sleeping forever. Homicidal tendencies are usual with me (hehe, I'm mean and wicked) but suicide is something I'd never touched.

What have I done?

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