Sometimes My Heart Beats So Fast, I Think It's Gonna Break Apart.

Just because I'm distant sometimes, doesn't mean that I can't hurt.
It just means I'm trying to protect myself from further pain.

Just because I don't tell you I Love You, doesn't mean that you don't matter.
It just means I don't know how to tell you so without getting teared-up.

Just because I act so removed, doesn't mean that I don't care.
It just means that I'm trying to think everything out rationally and I can't do that when I'm emotional.

Just because I don't join in with your discussion, doesn't mean I'm not interested in networking or making friends.
It just means that I feel bad that I have nothing to bring to the table of discussion.

Just because I think highly of myself, doesn't mean I'm arrogant.
It just means I'm confident of what I can do, that I know what I'm about. That I'm comfortable in my own skin.

Just because I make a cutting comment or a rude reply, doesn't mean I'm ill-mannered or I'm impolite. (Okay, maybe a little)
It just means that I'm scared, deep down, and I try not to show it.

Just because I behave like I'm more superior compared to everyone else, like I know everything, doesn't mean I'm egoistic or anything like that.
It just means I'm trying to act cool, like I actually know what I'm talking about, but inside, I'm really nervous.

Just because I scoff when you're anxious about an exam, or I try to brush something like finals off and say, "It's easy", doesn't mean I'm not nervous or scared, or afraid.
Because I am. I just hide it better.
______________________________

When I say, 'I'm alright', I'm actually trying to see who can spot my lie, and who cares about me enough to ask after me.

When I say, 'I Love You', I actually mean it. I really do.
______________________________

I act so nonchalant about things because it's the only way I can combat the harsh world outside. By pretending I don't care, it's easier to deflect everything they throw at me. By pretending to be weird and strange, I'm trying to see who my true friends are, and would they mind my quirkiness.

Every time someone gets emotional, I leave the scene, because if they cry, I might do it too, and I can't afford to let anyone see me in tears. Not because being in tears is a weakness, but because it's a sign that I'm losing control, and control is one thing I cannot afford to lose, because being in control means I'm still who I am, and nothing can change that.

And that's not the only reason why. I leave to protect myself. I leave because I absolutely refuse to entertain the idea that one day, you'll leave me. One day, I'll be all alone, and I don't like that. I don't like that at all.

If I could choose my own profession, I'd like to be a guardian angel. Because I'm paranoid, and the only way I can convince myself that the people I love are safe, is when I'm watching them myself.

My best friend is imaginary. I tell him things I can't tell anyone else, I share all my tears with him. Maybe, if I pray hard enough, I'll find him someday.

They say actions speak louder than words.
They also say that the pen is mightier than the sword.
Two contradicting, but very true, statements.
In that case, which hurts more: listening to the one you love gushing about the girl he's been crushing on, or seeing them, hand in hand, together?

Music plays a huge role in my life. I've always been in love with it. The melody, the haunting lilt, the wonderful and soothing notes. Which is why I believe that answers to the world's greatest mysteries can be found in music.

And just like every other post, I doubt anyone will reply to this one.

That So Few Now Dare To Be Eccentric, Marks The Chief Danger Of The Time. - John Stuart Mill

What is the difference between...

...award and prize?

...gift and present?

...killer and murderer?

...laptop and notebook?

Believe me, there is a difference. Was just wondering if anyone had these random thoughts running through their heads like it's running through mine.

I need help for my story. It's a typical spy one where the main characters are three girls in their early twenties. Got the plot just about right but can't figure out a handy bioweapon. Melinda suggested that they know about a BW just not what it can do. I kinda like that plot line but I'm rather inclined to know everything about the BW beforehand. I also need to set out some events in a good timeline.

I'm not making sense, am I?

Anyway, if you got any suggestions, let me know.

Cheers.

Lullabies and Princes on White Horses

Ok I couldn't sleep a few nights ago (think my insomnia is coming back again). Usually I'd just drop onto my bed and next minute I'm in dreamland but lately it's taking me a couple of hours to sleep, and then I wake up and sleep again. It's annoying because I toss and turn around the whole bloody night and I'm feeling so uncomfortable.

And that got me thinking: what would one's future partner do in times like this? Sing them to sleep. Very endearing habit. Then I got into a sort of idea of what kind of lullaby Russell would sing. It's cringe-worthy, I understand but I really like some verses.

When the sky turns to rain
My brave little girl don't despair (yes, I think being called a little girl is rather endearing in some ways)
Help will come riding
Like a prince on a white horse
I'll be that prince someday (love these sentences)

I will slay dragons
And keep you from harm
I'll be a knight in Arthur's realm (another childhood fantasy--I love King Arthur)
Together we will be
Always and forever
Nothing will break us down

Whatever they say will not affect us
Whatever they scream will never hurt
As long as we're together
Nothing can break us down

When the sky turns to rain
My brave little girl don't despair
Help will come riding
Like a prince on a white horse
I'll be that prince someday

Seeking Answers

Everytime we speak
I'm always asking the questions
Curiosity, embeded deep inside me
But it doesn't make sense
Because I'm the one
Who initiates everything

What happened
To the age where the gentlemen
Always made the first move
What happened
That you can't be bothered
To talk to me

I'm searching desperately for answers
To questions I'm not sure exists
I try to delve deep within me
Doubt myself, am I the cause behind this
I may act so removed
I may built a wall around me
Don't be fooled
I'm just like any other girl
I need reassurance
Despite what they might think
Should I stay or should I walk away?

I thought that we were deeper than this
I figured there was something between us
And then I realised that I couldn't do this
Couldn't see this through

It's all my fault and I'm worried
I used to think I was so invincible
Right now, I feel like I'm defeated
I try to act like I don't care
But actually I do
We always do

Do Not Fear To Be Eccentric In Opinion, For Every Opinion Now Accepted Was Once Eccentric.

Yes welcome back my public. Been off the grid for three weeks now, no thanks to the trials we've been having. Feel pretty confident in Chemistry, definitely screwing up my Add Maths. And our last exams (Biology Paper 3 and EST 1) is to be postponed until after the Raya hols.

Which explains why I'm here blogging. Not that trials didn't hold much excitement (yeah, right) for us. Shall I elaborate?

The date was 15 September 2009, aka Tuesday. We had our Chemistry and Physics Paper 3. Chem was fantastic. But Physics was more panicky than usual since our teacher didn't offer any tips whatsoever and everyone from Mr Yeoh's tuition class were scrambling for notes to read.

Paper 3 was experiment-based, which means they give you two structural questions regarding several experiments and you have to fill the blanks. That was the easy bit. Then the last section was the bit where they gave you a situation, and you had to contruct your own experiment based on what little clues they gave you. And it was this experiment-constructing bit that had everyone cursing to the bone. It didn't help matters that Nicholas Leong, Melinda and some others were busy debating the whole Kanye West-Taylor Swift incident.

So we frantically read through all of Mr Yeoh's notes. Then the bell rang and the teacher came in. So out goes the notes and our last chance at scraping some marks. Dunno if you guys overseas (that's you Shar) do this as well, but even though we're at our places and while the teacher's preparing to give out the papers, we still throw questions throughout the class just to confirm/get some last minute information our brains force us to think about.

Seating arrangements were as thus: seven tables (vertically) by six tables (horizontally). Originally this meant that I'd be sitting at the very back instead of the second last place, but Xian Yao who'd always sat the last seat, second row from the left wanted to keep his place so he got his way. That means he's the last in the second row. Erina was on his right, and I was in front of Erina. Ben was on Erina's right and Gerald was in front of him, making Gerald my right.

The moment the teacher (who was walking around passing papers) gave Xian Yao his Physics test paper, he flipped to the back and checked out the experiment questions. And he started laughing. Erina and I saw what was on the paper and the three of us started laughing hysterically.

You know why?

One of the questions that came out was the one we'd read about. It was especially a miracle for Erina, who'd came back from recess with Candice when she suddenly flipped her notes open, right at that very page with that very experiment, and she said, 'Let's study Physics.'

And then the next day for Modern Maths (abbreviated Mod Maths) we were doing the test when a bat flew in. See my class is the last one on the top floor, and we've been getting visits from bats and moths (Angsana class had a bat that flew into the fan and got its wings torn or something). Last couple of weeks before the exam, a bat flew in when we were studying and Xian Yao was like, 'Look! It's Edward Cullen!'

If you don't get the reference then you're obviously not from this planet we call Earth.

So half way through the Mod Maths test Edward Cullen flew in. And Xian Yao (never one to talk quietly--even his whispers are loud--sometimes wonder are the teachers really deaf or what) whispered to us, 'Did you see Edward Cullen?'

And that wasn't even the highlight. Thursday we came in and Erina noticed some brown balls of stuff on her table. Predictably she went Eww and immediately demanded to know what they were. Xian Yao helpfully suggested that they were bat poo and Erina shrank back in disgust, followed by more exclaimations of Eww.

I began to poke fun at her. 'Maybe it was left by Edward Cullen (the bat).'

Erina glared at me. Xian Yao caught on. 'Yalor. So you mustn't wipe it away.'

Then I couldn't resist adding, 'Just take it as a present from Edward Cullen himself.'

Ok that's all for exams. I am now downloading songs and games, and I seriously encourage you to listen to Alexz Johnson's Deeper and I Still Love You. They are seriously ncie songs and I managed to get Gerald to listen to them.

So I was bored and was tagged via Facebook by Xin Wei where we type in 10 names and click on the question generator and answer the questions. The first one I got was, 'How would Louise insult Erina?'

I asked and she didn't bother answering.

Then third question was, What would Timothy not caught dead in? Lou was laughing at that one.

Some other nice ones were What would happen if you could read David's private diary? But this is the best because it takes the mickey out of two of my guy friends.

Nicholas (Kok) and Gerald are forced to roleplay out a verbal couple fight. Who gets to play the wife?

I seriously burst out laughing at this and after much consideration, I chose Nicholas. Hmm, maybe I should post it on Facebook.

Honestly this generator asks all the stupid questions. Once I put my cousins's (Julaine, Emma and Praise) names and my sister's (Chary) in and I got this two questions:

How would you feel about some Julaine and Emma action?

I could've spat out my drink. If I had been drinking.

And then...

How about Praise and Chary?

I was like, Shit. What's this guy's problem?

But it's addictive. So I do it again just to see what kind of questions I'd get.

1. Lou got turned into an animal. What animal is it? ~Something unique but spicy. Maybe something like a killer whale. Or a tiger. Or an eagle.
2. Super fun fun adventure amusement park marathon with you, Timothy and Louise! How will it go? ~Hysterically. We probably can't decide where to go first.
3. Who is Gerald's best friend? ~ Dunno. Darrel, maybe? One of the guys from BR class.
4. Chiau Hui suddenly knows all your secrets. What do you have to say about that? ~The same one I got for the Ben question. I'll give the same answer: only that now they know why I've become what I am.
5. What musical instrument would Chary most likely play? ~ She already plays one: piano, just quitted it ages ago.
6. Would you love to read Praise's very personal diary? ~ Considering that she is 12 years old, I doubt there would be much to interest me. Unless she's writing about a boy...then I might be interested. Cue evil smirks and maniacal laughs.

Then I got bored cause they were repeating the questions. Anyway, I'm off to play a couple of games before dinner. Like Lou coined,

Fare thee well, comrades, conspirators and calculators! May the pi be with you!

(All Add Maths references, in case you didn't know. The only subject I truly hated. Seriously, this test results will prove I'm not fit to be an Add Mathematician.)

Cheers.

Hope Is Tomorrow's Veneer Over Today's Disappointment.

Disappointment.

It's the worst feeling in the world. It makes you doub yourself, makes you question everything you ever did. It eats you from the inside, a stab so painful nothing will ever fix it. It is, essentially, the emotional equivalent of acid.

Being disappointed is bad enough.

Knowing you are the source of disappointment adds insult to the injury.

Remember, disappointment kills.

So study hard.

Okay. Blog will be on temporary hiatus till my trials end on the 18 of September. The above refers to an incident in Chem tuition today.

We were given Paper 1 to do. I got 76 %, which I thought was good but not good enough. It annoyed me that Timmy got higher than I did, and I was slightly pissed that I made so many careless mistakes.

But the clincher was, Mrs Foo asked for my marks, and when I told her, she just said one sentence:

"I expected better from you."

It stung, really, because I consider Chemistry to be my best subject, and I love it. It hurt that I had so many careless mistakes and I didn't trust my gut. But worse of all, she was right.

And that hurt the most.

P.S. Anyone has a copy of T.H. White's The Once and Future King? It's an Arthurian legend book. Really like to read it.