Saturday, 26 September 2009

Sometimes My Heart Beats So Fast, I Think It's Gonna Break Apart.

Just because I'm distant sometimes, doesn't mean that I can't hurt.
It just means I'm trying to protect myself from further pain.

Just because I don't tell you I Love You, doesn't mean that you don't matter.
It just means I don't know how to tell you so without getting teared-up.

Just because I act so removed, doesn't mean that I don't care.
It just means that I'm trying to think everything out rationally and I can't do that when I'm emotional.

Just because I don't join in with your discussion, doesn't mean I'm not interested in networking or making friends.
It just means that I feel bad that I have nothing to bring to the table of discussion.

Just because I think highly of myself, doesn't mean I'm arrogant.
It just means I'm confident of what I can do, that I know what I'm about. That I'm comfortable in my own skin.

Just because I make a cutting comment or a rude reply, doesn't mean I'm ill-mannered or I'm impolite. (Okay, maybe a little)
It just means that I'm scared, deep down, and I try not to show it.

Just because I behave like I'm more superior compared to everyone else, like I know everything, doesn't mean I'm egoistic or anything like that.
It just means I'm trying to act cool, like I actually know what I'm talking about, but inside, I'm really nervous.

Just because I scoff when you're anxious about an exam, or I try to brush something like finals off and say, "It's easy", doesn't mean I'm not nervous or scared, or afraid.
Because I am. I just hide it better.

When I say, 'I'm alright', I'm actually trying to see who can spot my lie, and who cares about me enough to ask after me.

When I say, 'I Love You', I actually mean it. I really do.

I act so nonchalant about things because it's the only way I can combat the harsh world outside. By pretending I don't care, it's easier to deflect everything they throw at me. By pretending to be weird and strange, I'm trying to see who my true friends are, and would they mind my quirkiness.

Every time someone gets emotional, I leave the scene, because if they cry, I might do it too, and I can't afford to let anyone see me in tears. Not because being in tears is a weakness, but because it's a sign that I'm losing control, and control is one thing I cannot afford to lose, because being in control means I'm still who I am, and nothing can change that.

And that's not the only reason why. I leave to protect myself. I leave because I absolutely refuse to entertain the idea that one day, you'll leave me. One day, I'll be all alone, and I don't like that. I don't like that at all.

If I could choose my own profession, I'd like to be a guardian angel. Because I'm paranoid, and the only way I can convince myself that the people I love are safe, is when I'm watching them myself.

My best friend is imaginary. I tell him things I can't tell anyone else, I share all my tears with him. Maybe, if I pray hard enough, I'll find him someday.

They say actions speak louder than words.
They also say that the pen is mightier than the sword.
Two contradicting, but very true, statements.
In that case, which hurts more: listening to the one you love gushing about the girl he's been crushing on, or seeing them, hand in hand, together?

Music plays a huge role in my life. I've always been in love with it. The melody, the haunting lilt, the wonderful and soothing notes. Which is why I believe that answers to the world's greatest mysteries can be found in music.

And just like every other post, I doubt anyone will reply to this one.

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