Wednesday, 27 January 2010

I Feel Like A Zombie Vampire Sucked The Life Out Of Me

Alright, it's been a bloody long time since I last blogged, and that was about my (failed!) nickel carbonate crystals. OK, so it's not really considered failed, but it wasn't as nice as Kerrine and Catherine's crystals, or Alex and Rachel's. I'm really envious.

It turned out to be more of tiny bits of broken crystals instead of the fully formed, large ones Ms Kana so proudly displayed to us. I was so disappointed but after yesterday's Chemistry practical, I've come to the realisation that it's not the product that matters, it's the experience. Because really, I love Chemistry but certain factors are making me lose my patience with certain somebodies who annoy the heck outta me! That, my dear friends, is more than enough to incur my dark side.

Let's start with Monday this week, mm? Alright, Monday. First class: Physics. We entered the classroom, sat down and started talking, and waited...

....and waited....

.....and waited.....

After half an hour - 'Eh, why Ms Shirley so late one?'

After one hour - 'Eh, class cancelled is it?' 'No lah, Ronnie bluffing only lah!' (And there goes the whole debate on whether class was cancelled or not.) 'Eh, Jacob got Shirley's number right? Go call her or something.' 'Don't want!'

After one hour fifteen minutes - 'I love Ms Shirley, but she's not a good teacher lah.' (Yep, we bitch when the teach is away) 'Yalor, I mean, she's new and all that, this is considered her "probation" period mah.' 'Can we go complain to A Levels department or something?'

After one and a half hours - 'Yerr, tak mau tunggu lagi! Let's go makan!' 'OK! Go where makan?'

So everyone began the whole "Where to eat?" debate. Personally, I was already planning to go lunch at the cafeteria under Wisma E&C. It's walking distance from my block, and besides, I didn't like going all the way to the main campus and all that because I know that E&C is probably one of the cheapest places around (I eat rice with vegetables, some tofu or egg, and a meat and it's only about RM 3.80) and besides, I'm constantly fearful that if I take the bus to the main campus (where the food isn't really that grand) I might get caught in traffic and not make it back to class on time. And if there's one thing you should know about me, I'm paranoid about time. Really, it's like an OCD issue. It's affecting me really badly, because I tend to look at my watch out of habit, and then I'd assume that people would assume that I'm feeling bored.

Anyway, I went off to E&C while they finally decided to eat at UOA. After lunch I got a text from Jeya who was at the library. So I headed on up, and I met Jeremiah. We sat in the lib talking, then Jeremiah left to use the computer lab, leaving Jeya and me behind to discuss fanfiction. By the time ten thirty came, we were feeling a bit hungry but since we had food with us, we decided to eat and wait outside our classes.

So Jeremiah tagged along and we sat down and started having discussions about this, that and the other. By that time, Lily and her pal joined in. Had to split later since classes were starting.

Tuesday. Had Maths, after which we dashed off to Chem to do the ammonium iron sulphate crystals experiment. Since it was a double salt, Pavallam did the ammonium bit and I did the iron bit. When we were both done, we had to combine the two together.

The iron bit was a bit long-winded on the instructions but relatively elementary while the ammonium bit was shorter in instructions but looked more complicated. While filtering the iron solution I accidentally spilled a bit of the salt in so my solution had black specks. After consulting Ms Kana (yeah, thanks) I refilered my solution and mixed it with Pav's ammonium one so we can saturate it.

The bloody problem was, we had turned on the gas till the maximum and the flame was bloody burning, but the bloody thing took an awful long time to boil and saturate!! How awful was it, you may ask? It was awful enough to make me miss my lunch period.

So I had to dash off to Physics Lab (2 labs in a row make me sick!) with a killer migraine from the ammonium fumes and a growling stomach armed with only a packet of biscuits. Then in Physics we had to do some measuring experiment which was bloody awful. As usual, my results were crap. As usual, I borrowed my pal's results (in this case, Rachel's) and copied the whole thing. Shirley had said that we weren't allowed to leave before finishing the report, but since I'd done it and she said it was wrong and I had to redo it, I don't see why I can't leave at 2, which was the time we were off. So I brought it up with her and she gave a smile and gave me permission. Dashed off to E&C for some grub.

Met Jeya at the cafeteria, had chee cheong fun. And we were discussing the whole Merlin fandom and what pair do we ship and slash and all that sort, when one of the cafeteria ladies managing the economy rice booth came over and placed a plate of green beans omelette on our table. We stared at her, and she was like, 'Nah. Nak makan telur?'

So I answered hesitantly, 'Free of charge ah?' Call me kiasu or whatever, but we didn't even order the egg OK? Need to be sure. Then the Chinese aunty (the owner of the economy rice booth who I've been quite friendly with recently) was busy packing up the store and she said, 'Ya. It's free one.' So Jeya and I surmised that they were packing up for the day and we were like, WTH? Might as well eat the free egg.

Later, after lunch, we walked off to Wisma HELP for our Msian studies class, and since we were early (class starts at 4, we reached at 2 thirty-ish) we sat down and did a bit of homework (mainly Jeya reading fanfiction on her iTouch and me copying Rachel's stuff). After a while we got bored and decided to explore. Went up the elevator to level 5 for the DSA thing. Saw Rachel and returned her book. Then we didn't want to go back to Level 2 where our class was so we randomly stopped the elevator at all the floors, peeking out to check if there was anything interesting and ducking back inside when there wasn't.

So we were riding the elevators up and down Wisma HELP which was pretty fun and creepy at the same time. Then we went back to our class but it was still occupied with the law students so we sat outside and started talking about stuff.

However, the real fun happened during Msian studies.

Sir was writing a whole list of topics on the board, and Dhiren was telling me, 'Write down all the team members' names just in case he wants them. Hurry!' So we scrawled down the names of all the members just as Sir finished writing the list of topics. Then everyone's eyes went wide when they saw the title: Racism. Dhiren was super gung-ho about it, saying, 'Take racism! Take racism! I want that. Eldwin, later when you choose the title take Racism, OK?'

Even a couple of people came forward to ask Sir if they could take racism but Sir brushed them off. After he finished the introduction, he looked at the class. 'OK, I've got all the topics there for you.' He pulled out 3 marker pens. 'You can choose your topic.' Some people from the back rows started walking forward. 'First come first serve.'

Everyone literally broke into a run. Eldwin got up (we were at the front) and we cheered him on when 2 guys went past him. Then we saw Dhiren coming in from the side, literally wrestling the marker pen from Sir's palm, and shoving those 2 guys away and scrawling his name beside the Racism topic. Someone pushed him mid-word so his 'n' ended up with a long tail. But it was official: Racism was ours. Lily, Jeya and I were laughing so hard we were clapping him. Dhiren was like, 'Racism is mine! I book already!' And everyone were trying to pick the next best topics and stuff but it didn't matter 'cause racism was ours.

Then Zean Shiung was like, 'You know if we screw this up, the whole class will hate us?'

Then Sir called out, saying that he wanted us to write down our team members' names (thank you Dhiren for the suggestion!) as well as the definition of the topic we picked, examples and reasons why they existed and why they should be avoided. So everyone whipped out their cell phones and started googling definitions. It didn't help matters that the Wifi service was removed by some fellas so it took quite a bit of time before we could hand up the paper.

Wednesday i.e. today. Had an extra Bio prac. Quite OK, actually. My Bio teach's nice. After that we had Chemistry theory and Bio theory. Thanks to the shuffling of schedules since Maths and Bio teach were doing replacement classes, I'll be having 4 hours of Bio again tomorrow.

I still don't like college. I don't feel anything anymore. It's like I've been numbed to the point that I just don't care about college. I'm sitting on the fence. I don't hate college but I don't exactly like it either. It's just like secondary school minus the uniforms and stuff. People here are in their own groups and it's a bit hard for me to get a pal in my Group because everyone's got their own pal and I don't like talking much and so I think it makes me seem a little distant. Ee Lyn asked me today why I look so emo in the morning. Number 1, I'm not emo, I'm just comtemplating. And 2, why do people always use the word emo? It's overused and overrated and I hate it. It comes to the point where I'd enter my classroom early and just sit there in the silence and just....think.

It feels as if I'm delving deeper into myself, cutting off from the rest of the world. A sort of numbness takes over. I can be paying attention in lessons but it's like I'm split into two and half of me is in class listening to lectures while the other half is exploring things unknown. It's as if I'm deliberately distancing myself from them. Why, I have no idea. But I just do. I'm nice and friendly, but I think I'm a bit too serious for them sometimes. There's this sort of yearning inside me that I can't seem to fulfill. Some sort of intimate relationship with someone who knows instinctively what I'm about, the sort where you don't need words to convey what you think because the silence between you is comfortable and not awkward.

I'm feeling a sense of detachment, as if I believe it's the only way to keep myself away from the hurt. Like that saying, You can only hurt the ones you love? I think that's the reason why I move away. I don't know. I see shows on TV as a kid and I've come to the theory that if you want something done right, do it yourself. Want to protect yourself? Trust no one. Want to stay in one piece, emotionally? Act as if it doesn't affect you. And it's probably all bullshit, but these beliefs have been wired into my little kid system that it's now prominent in my youth self. I see things and I figure out how to make them better.

Like where I sit in class. I'm always in the outermost seat of second row, in the side of the class opposite the door. That way, my mind reasoned, I can always get up easily, cross the room and to the door, instead of shuffling past people or moving around chairs and all. Everything I do makes perfect sense in my head, but when I try to explain it, people don't usually get it. So I am content with just keeping everything inside.

I get moodswings. Lou wondered if I had manic depression disorder (read: bipolar). I'm quite sure I don't. But I can turn from happy and loud to comtemplative in a sec. Xin Wei was quite convinced I have ADD. So did I, since I seemed to be quite hyper and stuff, but I later checked that symptoms of ADD are similar to the symptoms that people who had hearing loss before have, so I'm attributing all those to the hearing loss prob. I'm sure, though, I've got a touch of OCD and paranoia somewhere.

And I'm not sure if something is wrong somewhere, but I've been getting headaches frequently, even more so since college started.

Cheers.

2 comments:

candice said...

ahh what happened to your chatbox! ok, i'll my stuff here.
i feel the same way as you too! about the understated and constantly misused 'emo' term, and how im torn in half in class (: as for OCD, yeah maybe im a serious case :/ anyways no worries elyssia if you need someone to rant apart from erina and whoelse, me here! *raises hand excitedly* im a foc cert-less psychologist, at your service :D

LaverneSnead01 said...

成熟,就是有能力適應生活中的模糊。 ..................................................